Jimmy Nelson marches onward
Two years. Countless tests. An uncertain horizon.
When 29-year-old Andrew Luck announced his retirement a week ago from the Indianapolis Colts, citing a four-year cycle of “injury, pain, rehab; injury, pain, rehab,” there was a 30-year-old who watched Luck’s thoughtful, composed announcement — riveted by every word.
For two years now, Jimmy Nelson has endured the same cycle.
The Milwaukee Brewers pitcher has been tested repeatedly, first by a shoulder multi-injury in 2017, and then an elbow injury this year. On top of that, he’s been worried sick during the touch-and-go pregnancy of his wife and their twins. Nelson has a great deal of empathy for Luck and a level of understanding of what the quarterback had been going through.
“When I watched his interview, there were some things that he was saying, verbatim, that I’ve said in my head, or to other people about going through some of these tough times,” said Nelson.
“Because it just seemed like every time I was back, something else would happen that would bring me back down to ground level. When I came back healthy, it never played out like how I saw it happening.
“Some of the things he was saying, I completely understand, and I’ve only gone through half of the stuff he has. To see people criticize him, and give him such negative feedback, calling him a quitter, absolutely just blew my mind. And really … really … frustrated me.
“People have no idea.
“Man, I felt it when I was watching his interview.
“By no means do I feel like I’m going to retire. I’m not even close to being done. But I definitely know some of those feelings and stuff that he was talking about.”
Now, it’s time for us to understand a little bit about Nelson, and what the past two years have been like for him since a simple play on Sept. 8, 2017, deconstructed his shoulder and his subsequent plans.
During our 50-minute conversation, Nelson was thoughtful, honest and sincere in discussing the challenges he faced. Here’s the interview in its entirety (with topic introductions in italics):
When you look at the video of the play where Nelson got hurt, you’ll see a look on his face never seen before. As soon as he slid back to first, there’s pain. In fact,
Nelson’s shoulder dislocated when he collided with the ground and the bag. When he stood up and shook the arm, it popped back in to place.
Nelson threw the next inning.
But he would be on the operating table 11 days later, on Sept. 19 in Los Angeles.
“There’s a lot of anger inside because of the way the injury happened. I worked through a few rough years in the big leagues, early. And then finally, what felt like an eternity to me, of struggles, and disappointments, I finally started putting it together in 2017. It was the first year, in my opinion, that (for) my expectations and my standards, was good enough.
“It should have been my standard season — and I would improve upon that. And I miss the whole last month.
“I would go down this wormhole of frustration. And anger. Man, this is a career-altering event. The timing couldn’t be any more frustrating.
“And it comes from a slide.”
Nelson suffered four injuries to his right throwing shoulder on that one play. His anterior inferior labrum was torn. His posterior GH capsule was torn. His rotator cuff was torn.
Damaged tissue had to be cleared out of the shoulder to allow everything else to heal.
“It wasn’t something that there was a lot of literature on. There wasn’t that much out there to go on, someone having all of those injuries at once, you know? It was tough. Uncharted territory.
“You’re always kind of wondering if you’ll ever get back to who you are.
“And there was a lot of physical pain. For a long time. I took every kind of antiinflammatory there was for the shoulder. All team-issued stuff. There had to be some nerve re-education along the way through rehab and throwing to get everything firing as needed. Basically I had to re-educate my entire shoulder how to throw again.
“I think once I got … 15 months out … it started feeling significantly better.
“Up until that point, it was pretty miserable, not only from a physical standpoint, but the mental, emotional stuff I went through. There was a lot of anger. There was depression.”
Nelson chose to deal with the stress and mental turmoil. He began to practice meditation. He got counseling. He turned to his religious faith. He wrote his thoughts in a journal.
“That seemed to help me a good bit. Some of those things that I’ve learned to deal with — the anger, the frustration, the disappointment, the depression, stuff that when I was younger (he laughs) I always felt like it was an ‘old wives tale.’
“Now, I was like, no. This is real. This is real stuff.
“I started writing journal entries in 2018. I just never knew it would take two full years to get my velocity and my command and who I am, as a pitcher, back. I wasn’t dealing with some of those emotions that first offseason. I ended up having 50, 60 pages before I stopped.
“And it really hits you out of nowhere. And you don’t know how long it will last. A day? Or two? A week? Or two? And certain things trigger it.”
Last year, 2018, was full of triggers. Nelson exceeded several of the early rehabilitation goals, but still missed the entire Brewers season. That included the 163rd game with the Cubs and a playoff run all the way to Game 7 of the NLCS.
“It was really tough for me last year. I was with the team the whole year, rehabbing, and I kept feeling like I was going to be back, because I put myself so far ahead in spring training.
“I had expectations of being back by certain dates. And I never hit any of my goals. That was very disappointing to me; I am a very goal-driven person. That was very disappointing.
“And it hurt, you know? And it hurts you deep.
“People kept calling them ‘setbacks.’ Which, there are just certain words that can kind of trigger emotions, and ‘setbacks’ is one of them for me. It just made me feel really bad about myself.
“I was literally putting in 10-hour days in the offseason, five days a week. I put myself ahead three, four months ... but then all these things came up that my body kind of settled back. It was disappointing because I wanted to stay on that same upward trajectory. But it doesn’t always work out.
“There were times with the shoulder where I was throwing through a lot of discomfort. Even this past offseason, I was like, man, I don’t know if I’m going to be able to play.
“And then — I don’t care what they say — every athlete wants to be looked at in a positive light. By the fan base, by the community, by the organization. No matter how much athletes say they don’t care what other people think, it’s nice to have your own community behind you.
“People saying how I will never be the same, or my career is over, it can be hurtful. And at the same time motivating, but it just kind of wears you down, after you go through it for two years.
“You keep working; that’s one thing I’ve always done is lean on my work. And (my wife) Melissa, thank goodness, respects that.
“But my life, for the longest time, revolved around my injury. I wanted to get back to better than what I was before (and that’s still a goal). I’m at the field a lot, or in the offseason, at my facility a lot, training and rehabbing. Doing what I can to get right, and she doesn’t complain about how much I’m gone.
“But I do at times feel guilty; obviously now more so with two girls at home.”
Jimmy and Melissa were so excited to announce that she was expecting twins, but on Jan. 28, 2019, the Nelsons revealed that the lives of their unborn daughters were in jeopardy. Melissa had a twin-twin transfusion syndrome ( TTTS) pregnancy, where both daughters shared the same placenta. Without successful medical intervention, the fatality rate for at least one twin was 95%. Melissa underwent a challenging and risky laser procedure to save the lives of both unborn babies.
Melissa also had a cerclage, a procedure to reinforce her cervix, to try to hold off going into early labor and was on bed rest the remainder of the pregnancy.
The couple rejoiced when Riley and Naomi were born in Houston on April 28, six weeks premature and only 3 pounds 10 ounces — but still doing well, all things considered.
“I had just gotten in to San Antonio and the next day, I was supposed to have my first rehab start in San Antonio. I was sleeping when Melissa and her mom called me at 2 in the morning.
“It was scary for a long time because the twins had to get to a certain point of gestation just to live. And then we wanted them to get a few weeks after that. We knew after she had the TTTS procedure — the twin to twin transfusion procedure — that usually twins are always born early.
“There was a solid two, three months after that procedure where we were on edge. We were like, ‘stay in there, girls.’
“I checked out of my hotel, got in my car and drove from San Antonio to Houston.
“I ended up missing them being delivered by 15 minutes.”
Nearly four weeks later, Nelson did make an impressive rehab start — 86 pitches over 52⁄ shutout innings to help Class AAA San Antonio win — but he would not get a break from injuries.
“In spring training, as soon as the shoulder started feeling better, the elbow started barking at me. It gets kind of frustrating because people still think this whole year has to do with my shoulder. But my shoulder has been perfectly fine since Fan Fest. Since spring training, my elbow just kind of flared up on me.”
May and June were tough. Nelson began commuting back and forth, flying every few days for his rehab outings in AAA.
“My wife, Melissa, is handling it great. She went through a lot with the pregnancy and the girls being early. I was basically in and out while they were in the neonatal intensive care unit for five to six weeks. I tried to get back as often as I could, even if it was just a day or two. I would train for half the day and then go see them at the hospital (in Houston). But it’s tough.
“There’s some relief because they’re healthy and being taken care of, but while they were in the NICU, there’s little things that pop up now and then that can just stress you out, or worry you, with all the monitors, and all the noises. It’s not like you’re at home with your kids. When you do go home, you go without them. It’s tough.
“And then I felt like it took me longer than I would have liked to get back, baseball-wise, to throwing the way that I felt I should throw.
“Even though I technically came off the DL earlier in the season, I still wasn’t right, physically. My stuff wasn’t there.”
Here’s an example that summarizes how chaotic life has been for the Nelsons. When asked what their first Mother’s Day and Father’s Day was like, Nelson couldn’t recall.
“Oh man. (Long pause) I can’t even remember. I don’t know where I was …
“(Another long pause. Then a nervous, almost exasperated laugh) I really can’t remember where we were because I’ve been flying and traveling every three days. It’s tough. That takes a toll.
“We’re going to try and take a vacation when the offseason hits. We haven’t been on one in a few years. We both definitely need one. That’s something I told her, and we kind of agreed, is mandatory, for both of us.”
As Nelson continued to rehab his elbow this year and work on his overall comeback, family time — and support — was sacrificed by everyone. Melissa moved to Milwaukee with the girls and started writing a blog. But Nelson left Milwaukee to play in more AAA rehab games. They did their best to support each other through phone calls.
“As soon as she got here, around AllStar break, I ended up going on my second rehab assignment. We haven’t been able to spend a ton of time together as a family. Just a few days here and there. So it’s been tough for her; she’s been dealing with a lot. I commend her on the job she does every day.
“I’m still trying to find that balance still to this day, making sure I do what I’ve got to do at the field, and get my work done, but also making sure I have that time to myself to keep myself mentally in check. If you can’t stay mentally in check, you can’t help anybody else around you.
“We FaceTime a lot, especially when I am on the road, but it can be hard for her to FaceTime, too. If she’s feeding both of them, both of her hands are full. People who have just one baby don’t realize that extra arm is crucial.
“I see sometimes Melissa puts so much into the girls, or into making sure we’re all good, that sometimes she kind of neglects herself. It’s a good quality of hers — selflessness, and it’s respected and appreciated. I try to make sure that she knows that it’s OK if you take care of yourself first over other people. A little self-maintenance.”
Nelson gets teased by teammates for being the first guy to show up at the ballpark. But that’s what he knows, what he believes in — putting in the work.
“You keep working; that’s one thing I’ve always done is lean on my work. And (my wife) Melissa, thank goodness, respects that.” Jimmy Nelson
“It can sometimes be frustrating for Melissa here at home because, shoot, obviously things would be easier if I spent significantly more time at home. But I feel like to prepare and get ready and do what I have to do at a successful level, I do need to put in that time.”
Dealing with all that stress, and pressure, Nelson chose to seek help, and this is a reason he agreed to share this story. He believes talking about the enormous stress is a big reason why he is doing well now, in terms of handing so many challenges.
“I was never someone who read a lot, I was never someone who wrote in journals. I never did any of those things. I never wanted to do those things. But I was willing to do it because I recognized I had an issue. I needed to do whatever I could to fix it. I didn’t want it to affect me, or the people around me.
“So the depression, the anger, something that I never feel like is 100% completely gone … you just learn how to deal with it better … work around it better …. You learn what your triggers are, so you learn to stay away from that.
“I’ve caught myself being very negative a lot through this process. I feel bad for it. You can catch yourself sometimes complaining a lot to somebody. Like, man, I don’t want to pull this person down or anything.
“I’ve felt really bad at times because I know that some of my emotions and feelings have kind of boiled over, and I’ve really tried hard not to let that affect my teammates around me.”
Nelson is grateful for the support of his wife, his family, his teammates and ex-teammates, his teammates at Class AAA, trainers, and strength and conditioning coaches, doctors, the Texas Sports Medicine Center in Tomball, his agent, financial adviser, Matt Krug, Brewers' psychologist, and the surgeon, Neal ElAttrache.
“A gang of people. It’s really a whole village of people.”
The girls are thriving — about 11 pounds each — and Naomi needs only regular treatment for an angioma, a benign growth.
Nelson was activated off the 60-day injured list Sept. 1, returned to Milwaukee — and for the first time all year, could settle in one place for just a week.
His return was almost two years after he suffered that horrendous multi-injury to his shoulder.
Nelson still devotes an hour every day to meditation, or reading or solitude. He's reading books by Tony Dungy and Ryan Holiday at the moment. He's added a new wrinkle to his arduous routine as well: Nelson goes to the outfield with his towels, his water bottles and headphones hours before the game and practices Animal Flow, a series of challenging movements and poses that increase strength and flexibility.
“People call what I do yoga, but it’s not really yoga. It’s body awareness stuff. I started doing that in Triple-A because in Triple-A, you don’t have weight rooms on the road and the clubhouses are so small you can’t really do your prep work on the ground because you’re in everybody’s way.
“It’s mobility work, core work, it’s full body movement. It might look goofy but it’s actually really, really tough stuff.
“There’s no one around to bother you. You don’t have anybody stepping over you or trying to talk to you while you’re doing your work. When I’m done, I feel
physically and mentally pretty good.”
Nelson has been pitching out of the bullpen. He feels he must help his team — and he must do it now. The Brewers are still in the hunt for a wild-card spot. This has been Nelson's singular goal and purpose, to help his team. Now.
But when he's not playing, there has been time to reflect. Nelson's future is unknown beyond this season. He is eligible for one more year of salary arbitration in 2020. He has done everything he can to return to the field. Beyond that, the uncertainty of not seeing what's on the horizon, is uncomfortable.
“There’s certain things that I’ve shown myself, especially over the last six weeks of throwing, that my shoulder is better than it was before surgery.
“I never in my life expected a mental or emotional challenge as difficult as this has been. I wouldn’t wish it on anybody. As bad as the pain was throughout the process, the mental and emotional stuff was tenfold.
“People think because he’s getting paid X amount of dollars, he’s got no problems. Sometimes people look at us as athletes and think we don’t deal with
some of the same stuff.
“It’s so far from that. It’s been two years of not understanding the purpose of why something happened.
“I’m still trying to figure that out. “I truly know in my heart there’s nothing else that I could have done from any standpoint, not only just the last couple of years, but my whole career.
“I haven’t had that moment, that vindication … something reassuring that what I’ve been doing the last couple of years is all worth it and it’s all paid off. It’s about getting back to being who I am.
“Or an improved version of who I was. To me, that’s still possible. I’m in the process of doing it.
“I want to stay with this team and I feel like to do so, I have to really contribute this month, you know?
“I’m waiting and working for that mental sigh of relief that says, alright:
“I’m back.”
Message Lori Nickel on Twitter at @LoriNickel, Instagram at @bylorinickel or Facebook at www.facebook.