Home sweet home gets new meaning
Adapted from a recent online discussion.
Hi Carolyn: In five years of marriage, my husband and I agree we were happiest during a six-month period we spent living apart while I did a fellowship in another city. We talked on the phone every night, we got the quiet time we both thrive on, and the quality time we spent together became special again instead of routine. And so we have decided to move into two separate apartments.
We are both looking forward to shaking things up a bit, excited about our respective new neighborhoods, and feeling great about defining OUR marriage OUR way. However, you can imagine the negativity we have received from the people around us.
And maybe I just let this doubt infect me unnecessarily, but suddenly I am beginning to question whether we’re crazy. And imagining my husband’s enthusiasm is just because he’s secretly laying groundwork to start an affair. (I don’t think so, but … ?) And worrying the naysayers are right: This is just the first step toward inevitable divorce.
Are we crazy to think this will work? Or is it crazy to allow these outside voices to challenge our plans? – Fooling Ourselves?
What’s crazy to me is the idea that one life fits all.
Maybe this will be the beginning of the new happiest phase of your marriage. Maybe that will be true because you love together but live apart; maybe that will be true because you start to see you aren’t well suited. Who knows. I think it’s great that you’re talking, thinking creatively, trying something new.
As for allowing outside voices to influence you: Sometimes people can see things about us that we can’t, sure.
But it’s still up to us to decide whether outside opinions are useful. If the only thing your doubters are adding is yet another reminder that you’re going off society’s script, then it’s time to say thanks for the opinion but please back off. Or this: “I’m fine with being strange, but I’m tired of people telling me I’m strange.”
If this is in fact a precursor to divorce, by the way, it’s hard to see how living together unhappily will prevent one. Readers’ thoughts:
❚ I have no idea if this is the right move, and no one else does either. Each couple does marriage and married life a bit differently. More to the point, though, each and every day we make decisions, the ultimate result of which we cannot know – it takes a leap of faith. It’s just that most of the time we are sure we’re right. Embrace the excitement and the uncertainty both.
❚ My aunt and uncle lived in separate houses for decades. I believe it’s why they stayed married for as long as they did, until my aunt’s death. They were unapologetic and didn’t offer explanation – they just did. They loved each other more than most any other two people I’ve ever known. My now ex-husband and I considered this. I still wish we had given it a try, before things got so bad we could not fix the marriage. Now we’re super close friends but unfortunately cannot go back. Why people who love each other have to live in the same abode is beyond me. Who makes up these arbitrary rules?