Dad dates after their mom’s death
Hi, Carolyn: My mother passed in December 2018 of stomach cancer. It is very hard for me and my sister to understand my dad dating so soon after Mom’s death. We don’t like this person. I have known her for 15 years, she’s a neighbor, and she is a nasty, sneaky and manipulative person.
I kept telling my mom, “Don’t trust her,” and I think Mom was trying to make peace with God and kept saying, “She’s OK.” After Mom’s death, this person kept coming over; we can never visit with just my Dad who lives across the street. We did not have her memorial till February 2019, and my sister believes he was already seeing this lady.
My sister and I want Dad to understand we don’t really care that he is dating, but there is a reason you do not “date in the office,” because you have all the same friends and it can cause a lot of neighborhood conflict and taking sides. My sister was very upset because this woman knew Mom and hadn’t the respect to wait an appropriate time to move in on Dad.
He has not really dealt with his grief; his way is to get rid of everything that reminds him of Mom. He is very stubborn and we try to explain that if we come over to visit, we want to visit with him, not her.
I don’t know how to get it through to him that we are still grieving, and just because he is not, we have the right to feel the way we do. His relationship has alienated him from family, and that’s sad. How do we get her just to stay away from us?
– Lost and Grieving
I am so sorry about your mom. But, you don’t. You don’t “get her just to stay away from us.”
That’s really it. It’s your dad’s choice, he chose her, and the only reason his choice “alienated him from family” is that
you – and your sister – chose to prioritize indulging your distaste for his friend over staying close to your father.
For all I know, everything you say about the neighbor is true; maybe she is awful, maybe she targeted your dad while your mom was dying. For argument’s sake, let’s call these facts.
They still don’t change the answer: She is your father’s companion now, he gets to decide whom he dates and when,
he decides how he grieves and how long. The only say you have in any of these things is to take them or leave them as-is.
I know too well the depth of the grief a mother’s death can bring. I feel for both you and your sister.
I merely don’t agree you get to decide how anyone else handles their grief. Or whom someone dates, or how soon. Or what’s “appropriate.” Each marriage, to the end, has its own rules.
Your mother may have seen what was coming, accepted it, and tried in her way to prepare you for it.
Would that make accepting your dad’s choices any easier? If so, then please let it. And watch “Fleabag,” especially Season 2, which I suspect will hit gratifyingly close to home.
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