Neighbors not so welcoming
Dear Carolyn: My husband and I are building our dream home where we will eventually retire. It is on a waterfront lot in a lovely community. We built our dock before the lot was cleared for construction. Neighbors from all sides converged to express their upset and dismay that we built a dock and plan to get a boat. Basically, they had all hoped that the last remaining lot would stay undeveloped.
We abided by all the HOA’s strict rules for the dock and had approval to build.
One neighbor now emails us myriad concerns regarding the house we are beginning to build. We are building in compliance with all the HOA laws and regulations.
I am shocked and hurt at how we have been treated. How do we fit into a neighborhood where our presence is so unwelcomed? – Unwelcomed
Your structure is unwelcome. You as people don’t factor in yet.
They may carry that over to resenting you, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
You all clearly value this lovely community and waterfront property, so you all have more in common than in conflict. A difficult perspective to maintain as a neighbor pelts you with accusations of bad faith – I’d be furious, full disclosure but it’s worth a try.
I also suggest a mental exercise that will sound odd, but, stay with me:
Imagine this not as developing a lot, but instead as announcing a pregnancy. Imagine telling people you love and, instead of, “Congratulations!” getting a negative response.
It happens, right? People worry about the parents’ relationship or health or finances or stress or whatever and forget they’re just supposed to say, “Yay!”? Right. Deeply hurt feelings ensue.
Yet the baby’s coming regardless. That gives a deeply hurt expectant parent two choices: 1) Hold a permanent grudge – ultimately at the baby’s expense – against people who reacted poorly; 2) Try to think of any understandable reason people didn’t immediately say “yay!,” then forgive them for it, then release the grudge.
Is there any real choice but No. 2? I bothered with this weird example because it’s basically the same thing, but without the baggage of your real feelings: You’re deeply hurt by your hostile reception, but they see their own concerns – in this case, a painful goodbye to the undeveloped lot they all got to enjoy.
It was never theirs, of course, but its pleasures were. So the first reaction of many was to be upset. Understandable, right? If so, then acknowledge the validity of their feelings and forgive them. Because the baby’s coming regardless.
You can’t make anyone welcome you, but if you hope to feel any joy in your retirement community-to-be, then you need to release your anger and be friendly. This and your compliance with the HOA rules are the only parts you control.
As for those rules, respond warmly to every neighbor’s every concern, in fact and in writing: “Thank you for your concern. We will confirm we are following the HOA regulations.” An attorney at the ready is advisable, but only if someone else chooses to escalate.
Most important, when your home is ready: “We’d love to have you over for … “let’s say brunch. Nothing heals all wounds, but time comes close, and brunch speaks for itself.