My husband yells at me for sneezing
Dear Carolyn: My husband and I have a whole host of problems, but the one that has taken over recently is my sneezing. I have allergies and I usually sneeze a few times in the morning before my medicine kicks in. It makes my husband so angry that he curses and yells at me to stop, every morning. He’ll go on with these speeches about how annoying it is.
I’ve already talked with a doctor, I’m not a good candidate for shots and he thinks I should just stay on my over-thecounter medicine.
I really don’t know what to do. It’s gotten to the point that I’m yelling back, and saying that if it’s really so awful, he doesn’t have to live with me.
I know the anger about my sneezing is probably just a stand-in for something else, but I’m about at the end of what I can handle. It happens with other involuntary things, too: hiccups, yawns. Or voluntary things that also affect him: I sat on his side of the couch, etc.
He won’t go to therapy, I’ve asked so many times. What’s next?
Sneezing: Divorce?
I don’t mean to sound glib – it’s just that you (both) sound so miserable. He, abusively so.
If it were just the sneezing, then I’d say to change the timing of your allergy pill so any gap falls when you’re at work, for example, or can more easily be away from home. But you refer to “a whole host of problems,” and I don’t believe anyone owes their spouse or the institution of marriage a lifelong sacrifice of one’s dignity and peace of mind – which is how I’d view waking up daily to someone cursing me out. For any reason.
Readers’ responses:
I suffer from misophonia. Even though I am 100 percent sure I am totally normal, and can’t imagine how anyone doesn’t fly into a rage at the sound of swallowing, I understand that swallowing is necessary to live and sneezing is involuntary and so forth. Sometimes I snap, but that NEVER means berating somebody for a noise they can’t control, especially not routinely. There is no excuse for that.
Have you husband talk to a doctor about sensory issues. My son has sensitivities to certain sounds that produce an immediate, involuntary and uncontrollable angry reaction. While there is no magic cure, there are management strategies. This might not be the case with your husband, but your description of his reaction made me think of my son.
He could suffer from misophonia. An ex had this, and his rage was particularly triggered by chewing or swallowing that was anything greater than silence. Doesn’t explain that sofa nonsense.
Ex: Right, though it could be a related anxiety or comorbidity. Which would also be a legitimate target for treatment, which he can’t get unless he actually agrees to go. Let’s hope he does. Thanks, everybody.
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