First comes love; and then what?
Ask Carolyn
Dear Carolyn: I dated an adorable man for four months. It was quite romantic and passionate in the beginning; he stated his “intentions were honorable” and he wanted to “woo” me. I willingly obliged to the wooing. So now it’s over and I feel a fool for having fallen so deeply into someone so new. He wants to be friends, but I’m feeling adrift and less than a priority on his not-very-full plate. Is it possible to be friends with someone you’ve fallen in love with? If so, how? – A.
A.: If so, why? Even if he’s sincere, he has made you feel only two things: giddy and bad. And the giddy is up. Being “friends” might offer a comforting fiction (“He likes me, the romance just didn’t work out”), but it’ll likely just extend your time chasing someone who isn’t chasing you back.
Dear Carolyn: My mostly wonderful boyfriend has a few habits that irk me, e.g. being late all the time. However, I happen to share many of these habits, so I feel as though I can’t express my frustration when he’s late to the airport because I just did it to him last week. There must be a constructive, non-fingerpointing way to address this issue but can’t seem to come up with it on my own. Any thoughts? – Va.
Va.: Yes. Stop being late all the time. Once you’ve kicked all bad habits you resent in other people, you’ll have the insight, not to mention standing, to request the same.
Dear Carolyn: I love him but we can’t reach a resolution on having kids – he thinks taking time apart will give him clarity. We’ve tried everything else, so we might as well try this. I love him so much, and I don’t want to give up, but I don’t know what else to do. I feel like my heart is breaking into pieces. How do I keep hoping and prepare for the worst at the same time? – Chicago
Chicago: Hopelessness doesn’t get the credit it deserves. Not only is it the antidote both to false hopes and prolonged agony, but also the first step toward constructive thought.
Till now, hoping you could have this guy on your terms has shielded you from your own mind. So, ask yourself now: Which matters more, the guy or the terms?
Even if he says yes to kids, you’ll be better for the deeper thought.
Dear Carolyn: I’m 53, divorced for 10 years and have struggled with finding the appropriate age range of women I should pursue. Female friends have suggested a formula for a minimum age – “half your age plus 10.” However, when I start dating someone near this minimum, these same friends criticize me for dating someone too young. I’m not interested in any sort of trophy. Is it unreasonable to seek a companion who is my junior by 10 or 15 years? – Confused Man
Confused Man: The definitive formula is: Your age divided by 7, plus number of years of education, times the number of previous marriages between you, minus the arbitrary formulas of underoccupied busybodies who have no direct say in your life, plus a forehead slap.
You’re 53 years old. Date women you want to date.