Socializing adds stress to caregiver
Dear Carolyn: How can I socialize when I can’t talk about my life without people freaking out? I admit my life is stressful, but other people have lives that are just as, if not more so.
I take care of my 92-year-old motherin-law, her two dogs and her parrot in my home. My brother died in October and my father, who suffered from severe Alzheimer’s, died less than a month later. I helped care for my father as well, and for a nephew with serious issues. My husband has serious health issues, but is still healthy enough to work.
People, reasonably, want to know what’s happening in my life. I try to give a quick answer, that I care for relatives, but it never suffices, and as people learn more I become an object of pity (“Oh, how sad”), horror (“I could never live that way”) or ridicule (“How were you so stupid as to get yourself into that situation?”)
I just want to have regular conversations with someone, talk about a movie. I’ll even talk politics. I can’t seem to find anyone willing to discuss anything but my life. – Stressed
Re: Stressed: That hit home. My son went on Sunday to a residential treatment center. It was one of the worst days of my life. I have told a select few, but wow, it’s going to come up, isn’t it? “So, how are the kids doing?” I have no idea how to answer that. – Anonymous
Stressed and Anonymous: Wait – someone actually called you stupid? For real?
There’s really no help for that person. But for all your other conversation attempts, politics aren’t necessary, I swear. Just take full control of your boundary: “Thanks, but I’m taking a badly needed vacation from this topic.” Have a preferred topic ready: “Any good shows to recommend? I just finished _____.”
That is, after all, our common dread? Wasting time on a meh show when there’s so much brilliance to be watched.
Answer it however you want to. Don’t apologize for using social connections right now to just to feel better or enjoy yourself.
There’s an argument for the support you get when you’re honest – it can be well worth it to trust your people - but there’s also an argument to go no deeper than the most inane topic you’ve got.
Just in case, Stressed or Anonymous, you’re worried that people will say unkind things about you behind your back: They will say them if you manage to hide all your bad news; they will say them if you try to hide your bad news but it gets out anyway; they will say them if you admit your bad news upfront; they will say them if you have no bad news in your life ever. They will arguably be the most savage in the last case. That is, they will say unkind things if they’re unkind people who say unkind things. You can’t really do anything about them except avoid them when possible. I’m sorry you’re experiencing tough times, and hope there’s a breakthrough soon.
Re: Telling: Come sit by me. I can handle all the real stuff OR talk about anything but. I’m not freaked out about lessthan-perfect lives because we all live them.
Not Freaked: So great, thank you.