Milwaukee Journal Sentinel

Upset by daughter’s eating disorder relapse

- Carolyn Hax

Hi, Carolyn: Our 30-year-old single daughter revealed to us recently that she has begun bingeing and purging again, something she had done in college but had stopped. We made very little reaction; hard to know what to say. She is in therapy, has been for many years.

My question is how to handle things if/when she visits at Christmas. I’m uncomforta­ble thinking this behavior will happen in our home, yet I don’t think we can control it, and perhaps shouldn’t try? Ignore and let happen what happens? State our preference­s, knowing we can’t control her actions? I’m actually not sure why she told us and wish I didn’t know. – West Coast

West Coast Family: So, your daughter is suffering from a setback in her long struggle with a famously treatment-resistant, potentiall­y fatal illness – and your main concern about her relapse is that it puts you on the spot. That’s … just … damn.

And, “preference­s”?

And risking a pile-on, I wonder why you thought “single” was so germane to the matter at hand that it warranted equal billing with her age and her place in your family.

Your daughter’s decision to share this with you, especially before a possible visit, was brave, important to her health, and a chance for you to help. Or at least not hurt or dismiss her. That’s it.

I hope (maybe against credulity) what I’ve picked up here is not an utter lack of compassion, but instead a case of compassion fatigue. The latter would be understand­able: Recovery from an eating disorder can be a long, heartbreak­ing, jagged road of progress and setbacks. With any long struggle, loved ones can grow fatigued to the point where their support starts to slip. It would not be good for your daughter at

all to read this on you, so it’s your responsibi­lity to deal with any numbness or frustratio­n on your own time to ensure you don’t add an ounce to her burden, of course – but, the feeling itself would be understand­able.

If instead you’ve always treated her illness as “this behavior” she inconsider­ately conducts in your home, then I am going to beg you, beg, on bad knees on hardwood, that you talk to a therapist as soon as you can find one versed in these issues and accepting new patients. Because your daughter’s life might depend on your understand­ing the role your family’s dynamics and relationsh­ips and, if I’m reading it correctly, self-centered detachment play in her illness.

If the end of my sentence made you flinch with defensiven­ess, then seek that therapeuti­c assist all the sooner. Please. Begging. And if I’ve misread you, then, my sincere apologies. But profession­al guidance would still be appropriat­e: Whether you’re compassion­ate, compassion-fatigued or outright compassion-challenged, there’s no argument against getting appropriat­ely informed.

Again, disordered eating is a complicate­d problem; this is not an occasion to wing it or wish it away. The National Eating Disorders Associatio­n has a volunteer-staffed Helpline, (800) 9312237 (nationalea­tingdisord­ers.org), where you can turn the gratuitous helplessne­ss of “hard to know what to say” into something warm, caring and therapeuti­cally sound. You can discuss strategies beforehand for a Christmas visit, too, to free your mind just to love her and welcome her home. You can find virtual friends-and-family support. You can do this much for your kid.

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