Friend is quick to take offense
Ask Carolyn
Dear Carolyn: I have a friend who frequently tells me stories of how people have offended her, and almost never do I think the people did anything wrong or intentional.
I try to just listen sympathetically, as she’s hurt by these interactions. Telling her I don’t think she has a reason to feel hurt doesn’t seem like being a good friend.
However, I’m starting to get concerned because she’s not on good terms with several members of her family, as well as several people at her work, and I also just care about her and want her to be happy.
Is there a way for me to broach this? Am I gaslighting her if I do this by telling her her reality isn’t real? Do I even know what gaslighting means?? (Probably not.)
She’s a longtime, very good friend, and I don’t want to risk our friendship by mismanaging this.
When a Slight Isn’t a Slight: You know exactly what gaslighting is, to your credit. Telling her she’s wrong to feel something is key to that form of emotional kneecapping.
It’s still possible you’re right, though, that she’s seeing offenses where there aren’t any, and it’s still possible to help her. But anything you say has to come from a place of humility.
That means, to start, understanding she might be right about the people who offend her. Several members of her family could treat her poorly. She could have several problematic co-workers. Much, much stranger things have happened.
It also means understanding she may have come by her world view honestly. You don’t see dark motives in these other people’s behaviors, but you’re drawing from your experience, not hers. There is more than one way to be “right.”
It also means understanding her emotional makeup is different. You two can experience the exact same things and come away with completely different impressions.
And it means understanding your real power is in learning, not telling. “Tell her,” and she has one added perspective. Ask her questions instead, listen carefully to her answers, and use this process to build mutual understanding, then you have the raw materials for a broad view of any given problem.
So use these unknowns to orient you, then see what opportunities come up when you talk. For example:
She: “[Person] did [offensive thing] today.”
You: “Painful. Do you have reason to believe it was intentional?”
That is barely a quarter-turn from, “It sounds like it wasn’t intentional,” but it can be the difference between opening the door sympathetically and invalidating it shut. And with her answer, you might find she has solid grounds for taking it as an intentional act – or she might reveal an assumption you can, again, ask about. Just to respond to you, she has to think more deeply about the origins of this seeming offense. That’s huge.
Ultimately she may not be open to questioning herself. Yet. You are just the friend who cares enough to ask her follow-up questions about her day.