Inheritance from woman’s bad grandparents feels like a ‘payoff’
Dear Carolyn: I do not remember my grandparents fondly. While they doted on my brothers, I – the only girl – was ignored. They attended my brothers’ sporting events, but not mine. They skipped my high school, college and master’s degree graduations. This hurt me very much.
One grandparent died years ago and the second just passed away. Their estate was split between their children and they left it up to each child to decide whether to share money with the grandchildren. My mom wrote me a large check that I have not cashed. It feels like a payoff. Mom often brings up what good people they were .
If I take this money, then I worry she will use it to say, “See! They enabled you to ... [donate, travel, save, etc.].” If I don’t take it, then I worry she will say I’m being resentful. The truth is, I don’t care about the money. I wanted to feel loved and I never did. I wanted her to stand up for me and she didn’t. What do I do with this check? Cash in Hand
Cash in Hand: I can’t say I’ve ever really understood the idea of sticking it to someone else by punishing yourself. Especially when there are so many ways you can use your grandparents’ money to stick it to them for the greater good. Just for example, you can deposit the money and distribute it meaningfully – or spitefully, it’s up to you – to organizations working to reverse the damage of sexism like your grandparents’. There is no shortage of outrages for you to help remedy with this windfall.
Or you can make sure your family’s next generation, if there is one, feels loved the way you never did, by using the money to travel to see their games or performances, or fund their educations, or pitch in to their fundraisers – equitably.
If there isn’t a next generation (yet), then you can save the money for such a future. Or you can use it now to show yourself the love they utterly failed to show you. And if that inspires your mother to spew revisionist history, then correct the inaccuracies – without apology: Mom: “See! They enabled you to travel.” You: “You enabled me to travel, Mom – which I do appreciate.” Mom: “They were such good people!” You: “You say that knowing they weren’t good to me. Please think about how that feels.” If she then accuses you of being resentful: “Yes, and hurt. They, you and others were OK with their doting on my brothers and ignoring me. But I am working hard to find peace and make something good come of it.”
There’s no reason for you to add to that injury the insult of pretending any of it was OK just to keep your mother’s lies of self-preservation intact. And this brings us to the lead I’ve buried: The problem is your mother: how she sold you out and still won’t face what she did. Accepting the check won’t fix that, nor will refusing it.
That’s something for you to sort out, inside – with therapeutic help, I suggest, if you are so inclined and have the means (another fine use for the cash; let them pay for the therapy they wrought). Doing so will help you see the value, or absence of it, or utter futility, in taking this up once and for all with your mom. That can be the last piece you process before releasing it.