How to stop the hurt when family relationships fall short
Dear Carolyn: You have given advice for years along the lines of, “This person/ situation will not change, so you need to face reality and change your expectations to align with this reality.”
I hear that. I have relationships with family members where I need to do this exact thing. But . . . how do I get over the hurt? Why can’t my family members themselves change and become more healthy? How do I get through the pain of realizing the “new” reality and my “new” expectations mean I’ll always be disappointed or hurt by what they should be doing?
Or does this mean I’m actually NOT facing reality and I haven’t adjusted my expectations?
– Hurt
Hurt: Yes, that. To be disappointed or hurt “always” is a sign you’re still going into situations looking for them to do something different, be different, and still having those incremental hopes dashed.
It’s not realistic to suggest you can let go of expectations, longings, or entire relationships and not feel any ill effects. It’s still going to feel sad; the goal is merely for it not to feel frustrating or disappointing any more on an endless, soul-sucking loop.
That’s why a good companion to letting go of expectations is to let go of assumptions, too. You don’t know why they are this way. Your family members have reasons for not changing that are complicated and fully theirs. The word “should” is not your friend. A practical take on this is to replace, “Why can’t they . . .?!”-type questions with telling yourself, since it will always be true in some respect, “They just can’t.” They can’t until they do.
About that. You phrase my advice as, “This person/situation will not change,” but that’s not necessarily accurate. They might. Who knows. They’ll change or not change based on their own calculations.
We can only ask for the treatment we prefer, and accept their answers as final, and choose our path forward accordingly.
So let’s look at your “old” and “new” reality and expectations. First, have you 1. identified changes to the way you want to be treated, and 2. asked your family members for them, with 3. consequences attached? To use a common example:
“My relationship status/lifestyle/family planning/body/career is my business (1), and I ask that you stop commenting on it (2).” After which you never again respond to such prying from them except by calmly calmly calmly changing the subject, ending the call or leaving the room (3).
If you haven’t taken these steps, then summon the courage to take them.
Unhealthy people push back against new boundaries, often intensifying the very behaviors you’re saying no to. It can take weeks, months, longer, for people to process that you will no longer react to their antics.
If you have done this, then have you accepted that you’ve progressed with them as far as they’re able, and must behave with them accordingly?
Again, no magic here. Though when you start to trust yourself – when you’re confident you’re doing the right thing and your limits will hold? It can feel suspiciously good.