Soon-to-be parent doesn’t want to lose child-free friends

2023-10-31 - Adapted from an online discussion. - Expecting – I Shudder – Anonymous Email Carolyn at tellme@washpost.com.

Dear Carolyn: My first child is due next month. My close friends do not have children. How do I avoid becoming one of those parents child-free people complain about, who suddenly no longer have the time or interest to sustain a friendship that doesn’t revolve around their kids?

Expecting: 1. Congratulations!

2. Find a good sitter and see your friends without your child always in tow (unless it’s necessary).

A small child requires attention. Axiomatic. Asking your friends to give you their social attention while your attention (actually or conversationally) is entirely on your child is not fair – unless they encourage you to do it.

3. Not dissing child-free people really helps.

A reader’s thought:

● My friends and I have an unspoken agreement: I show (or feign, if need be) interest in their kid-related issues, they feign interest in my non-kid-related problems, even though I’m sure they seem trivial by comparison. I respect that their parenthood requires extra flexibility from me, and they respect my lack of interest in being a parent. See if you can come to a similar spoken or unspoken arrangement with your friends.

Dear Carolyn: My 14-year-old suddenly has terrible table manners. Hunched over their plate, shoveling, chewing huge mouthfuls of food, one knee resting on the table. They say “all” the kids they know eat like this and my rules are silly.

I don’t expect a fine dining environment at home, but watching my kid eat right now is gross, and I shudder at how they must eat at other people’s homes. My other kids are also using their older sibling’s example as an excuse to have poor manners. I politely request only once at maybe half of our meals that they sit up or take smaller bites, but my kid goes right back to being feral. Is my only recourse just to hope they grow out of this?

I Shudder: Kinda, yes, depending on your kid’s (or kids’) appetite for defiance. The system I use for choosing the hills I want to die on: Can I win? Will I regret this one when I have bigger ones to hold later?

STEVE BREEN & MIKE THOMPSON

HECTOR CANTU & CARLOS CASTELLANOS

TOM BATIUK & CHUCK AYERS

ROBB ARMSTRONG

BIL KEANE

Will something fix this for me?

I particularly enjoy that last one when it comes to gross eating; I imagine a dinner date or other meal intended to impress, and foresee the manners resetting to what we taught them with an audible “snap.” Though I might be kidding myself.

Re: Table manners: Betcha anything the kid displays perfect manners in friends’ homes. Betcha!

GRAND AVENUE

BALDO

CRANKSHAFT

JUMPSTART

FAMILY CIRCUS

ZIGGY

ARLO & JANIS

Anonymous: That’s the hope we all cling to. Other readers’ thoughts:

● They know what table manners are, if you did your job years ago, so this is just chain-pulling. Roll your eyes and give it little attention, and it’ll go away.

● Anyone able to conform to decent table manners, but unwilling to do so, is showing a lack of rock-bottom respect for fellow diners. It’s especially egregious when those fellow diners are one’s parents. I would not tolerate or cultivate that mind-set for a nanosecond.

TOM WILSON

JIMMY JOHNSON

CURTIS

RAY BILLINGSLEY

BRIAN CRANE

PICKLES

JERRY SCOTT & JIM BORGMAN

ZITS

PATRICK McDONNELL

MUTTS

STEPHAN PASTIS

PEARLS BEFORE SWINE