Parent embarrassed that college-grad son is a bartender
| CAROLYN HAX
Adapted from an online discussion.
Dear Carolyn: My son is a college graduate with a job as a bartender. I get embarrassed telling people what he does when they ask. Help me.
– Embarrassed
Embarrassed: “He’s a bartender.” Just say it, shoulders squared. Fake it till you feel it.
It’s real work, and I’m glad and grateful for everyone who’s good at it.
Half the people you tell will envy him, 100 percent won’t care as much as you do, the slim minority who judge him as beneath them are jerks – and anyone who stops a moment to think about it knows that a college degree isn’t (just) about getting a so-called professional job.
It is (also) about learning how to think critically and how to be part of a diverse and interesting community and how to challenge oneself. All of these are available outside the college experience, obviously – plus people can get through college successfully while achieving zero mind-expansion –but mind-expansion is in fact the commonly accepted point of an education.
Being embarrassed just tells people you don’t get this. So instead, be proud your son did the work and be proud he’s finding his own way in the world.
I hope you take this reader’s thoughts to heart:
● Please rethink this attitude. I guarantee your son is picking up on it and putting unnecessary pressure on himself to “succeed” by your terms. I had parents like that, where I was instilled to believe that things like waiting tables and bartending were beneath me, so when I graduated, I had so. Much. Anxiety. That I didn’t have a “real job.” Instead of doing something sensible and just waiting tables or doing odd jobs until I figured it out, Iended up applying to graduate school for a master’s degree I didn’t care about and was completely unprepared for. I ended up $50,000 in debt because I grew up in a household that didn’t respect work that wasn’t a 9-5. Please don’t do this to your children.
Dear Carolyn: My in-laws never say thank you. My husband has noticed this himself. How should I deal?
– No Thank You
No Thank You: Deal by knowing they don’t say thank you and will never say thank you, and relieving yourself of the burden of any expectation they will ever say thank you.
People are weird. This is their weird. Roll with it.
Assure yourself they are thanking you deeply in their hearts.
Dear Carolyn: My husband and I have become friends with another couple over the last year. We like them both individually a lot – they are funny, interesting people. But particularly when we are at their house, the dynamic between them is tense. They harshly critique the other’s decisions and tastes a lot, and they appeal to us to choose a side – even over small stuff. This week, for instance, one bought a chair the other denounced as ugly, and they put my husband on the spot to decide who’s right.
How do we graciously decline to be pulled into their spats?
– Out of the Middle
Out of the Middle: “No way, not our fight.” Could solve so many problems at once.