Son leaves dad’s wife off the list for his City Hall wedding
Dear Carolyn: My son from a previous marriage is having his wedding at City Hall. The city restricts guests to six people. He has included me, but not my current wife of 12 years. I am extremely bothered by this. The other five guests are from my exwife’s side, and I have been asked to come alone. I asked if there was a way he could accommodate my wife. My wife has never done anything to offend my son and has always been respectful. I am trying to be as diplomatic as possible, but I will not attend the wedding without my wife. I would like your opinion on my stance on the issue. Rock and a HARD Place Rock and a HARD Place: I don’t agree with your stance on the issue. I’m sympathetic to it, but that’s a different thing. I understand that including spouses on guest lists is nearly an absolute, because it’s rude to exclude them – and that you want to celebrate with your wife. (For all the 10 or 15 minutes the ceremony takes.) But when a couple weds at City Hall and there’s a hard cap on attendance, all expectations are off. To add your wife on the grounds that she’s really important to you, your son must ax someone else who is really important to him. Top-six important. All because ... you don’t relish being solo among your ex’s people? You feel Ex is the favored parent? You fear your wife isn’t accepted or respected? All difficult, I’m sorry – but as reasons to boycott, they aren’t good enough. Had your son asked me before inviting anyone, I’d have urged your wife’s inclusion (while respecting his right to pick his six). Now, though, the best remaining option is to recognize this is about your son and his six people. Sides, shmides. Making it about you, and winning, would at this point mean he disinvites one of those people he already chose to include. You, of course, have every right not to attend now, just as your son was free to choose his people. But choices have consequences – and you have an unusual amount of say in the consequences of your son’s choice and your own. Namely, you can choose to keep the emotional and logistical consequences to an absolute minimum: by not taking the mini guest list personally. By taking the longer view. By asking your wife to do the same, if she’s willing. By not pressuring your son any further. By not boycotting your own son’s ceremony. My real advice is to nurture your relationship with your son, which you can’t do if it doesn’t survive his wedding. Or you can go big: by taking the maximum offense and the maximum stand, inviting max escalation. Your call.
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