New relationship might interfere with old friendship

DEAR AMY >> I have a very close friend who is 30 years older than I am.

We two men have known each other for years. He is like a surrogate father to me, and I cherish the friendship immensely.

His daughter, who is my age, recently reached out to me over social media.

She and I had never met, even though I knew she existed through the duration of my friendship with her father.

We went out. We had great chemistry, and we continue to talk. It's been wonderful. I am very intrigued by her, but I am conflicted.

I want to see where this goes, but I'd hate to compromise my friendship with her father in any way. It would be devastating to me for it to end.

The thought of losing my friend in the short or long term in the event this goes south is hard to face.

But I also feel a genuine connection to his daughter, and I think a full-on and successful relationship could lead to a great future.

How should I navigate this?

— Conflicted in PA

DEAR CONFLICTED >>

If you want to preserve your friendship with the elder man, then you should make him aware of your new friendship with his daughter.

In fact, it is somewhat surprising that you didn't do this earlier.

I intuit that there is a complication you are not revealing — perhaps the father and daughter are estranged, or their relationship is strained.

Regardless, she contacted you because of your friendship and connection with her dad, and I'd say that no matter what — he is already something of a character in your story.

You should start by saying, “I received a message from `Candace,' and we've been in touch. I just wanted you to know that.”

If he has misgivings about this contact or about you pursuing this relationship, he will have to reveal his feelings to you. You should prepare yourself for a possibly awkward period of adjustment for all of you.

Of course, there is a possibility that he will react very poorly, but if you aren't honest and he learns about this later, there is a far greater likelihood that he will question your integrity and feel embarrassed and misled — by both of you.

Once you've revealed the friendship with his daughter, there is no need for you to disclose the particulars.

Keeping both relationships positive may require some discretion and healthy boundaries on your part.

If the relationship with the daughter “goes south,” then you will have to try to do what many people have done, quite successfully, which is to work hard to maintain an ongoing friendship with her dad, while respectfully parting from her.