DNA donation leads to important disclosure

DEAR AMY >> I was conceived via sperm donor and my parents, who are very private, never told me.

Via a DNA testing site, I was able to figure out the identity of the sperm donor and wrote to him.

I knew to be prepared for any possible outcome when I reached out, but was pleased to learn of a good health history, and intrigued by his warm openness to getting to know me and my family.

We've agreed to proceed slowly, which I think is healthy and in general a positive outcome.

My concern is regarding my parents, with whom I speak frequently.

I'm not angry with them, and want to respect their privacy and the choice they made not to tell me, and I worry this news may negatively impact my relationship with them.

I also have teenage kids who (currently) know none of this! What are your thoughts?

— Open-Minded Daughter

DEAR DAUGHTER >> This is a momentous discovery, and you are right to approach this thoughtfully. I see the challenge for you occurring on two levels — first involving disclosure, and second (and I assume more challenging) involving this new relationship you seem interested in building with your DNA donor.

I assume that as a daughter and a parent, you could understand that this new relationship might prove confusing — or threatening — to your folks.

Meet with your parents in person. Tell them you've done DNA ancestry testing (like many other people), and that it revealed this surprise about your DNA. Thank them sincerely for taking this step to bring you into the world, and convey your deep love for them. Tell them that you appreciate their privacy, and ask if they'd like to tell you anything at all about the process.

Then I think you should sit on this for a bit and let them absorb this news.

If they ask if you've connected with your DNA donor, tell them the truth — that you have and that you've communicated about your health history.

I would caution you not to refer to your DNA donor as your “biological father,” and I would not disclose the relationship you seem interested in building until more time has passed.

You may have DNA-related siblings, and a slew of new contacts and relationships to sort out, but the one with your parents should be paramount, and you should strive to be respectful and reassuring to them.

This is a teachable moment for your children, and the lesson you should convey is that life is beautiful, complicated, and surprising. Leading with honesty and love is the best any of us can do.