INSUFFICIENT TRUST
What you conceal from your partner can create relationship problems
Much like romantic indiscretions, financial infidelity can manifest in small, medium or large deceptions ... telling your spouse you are eating bag lunches when you are really spending money to go out to eat may be seen as a greater infringement in some households than in others.
Just slip a sable under the tree for me. And a ’54 convertible, too, light blue. A yacht, the deed to a platinum mine, a duplex, with checks and decorations bought at Tiffany. ….
This time of year, it is easy for the list of “wants” to stretch way beyond our wallets and beyond what spouses and partners see as acceptable spending. It can lead to financial infidelity.
Yes, infidelity. Just as when someone has a sexual affair outside of marriage, being unfaithful in a relationship means betraying the other person’s trust.
Financial infidelity means engaging in deceptive behaviors with money, such as spending it secretly, or hiding assets, such as possessing unknown credit cards, holding hidden accounts or stashing away cash, borrowing money or accruing debt without the awareness of your spouse or significant other.
Financial infidelity can be just as destructive to a relationship as romantic affairs — and, in some ways, even more so. It can jeopardize security and resources the family or household may need, or even cause future tax or legal problems down the road. Such delayed legal problems cause the unsuspecting partner to be retraumatized for years to come.
Research shows that financial infidelity is on the rise among American couples. Nearly half of all respondents reported they have lied or withheld information about money.
In the case of financial infidelity, one person is making decisions about money without consulting or even informing the partner. It takes power away from one person in a partnership to have a say in how joint funds are used. That destroys trust and intimacy.
Much like romantic indiscretions, financial infidelity can manifest in small, medium or large deceptions. For example, sending a flirtatious text to a co-worker may not meet the threshold of concern in some relationships, while it feels like a violation in others. Likewise, telling your spouse you are eating bag lunches when you are really spending money to go out to eat may be seen as a greater infringement in some households than in others.
If your spouse has ever said, “Honey, is that new?” and you responded with, “Oh this old thing? Had it forever,” you are dabbling in a particularly harmful kind of deceit called “gaslighting.” Gaslighting is considered abusive in relationships because it causes the other person to question reality and their ability to trust their own intuition.
Couples can heal from financial infidelity just as they can from other transgressions. To do so requires the person who committed the wrong act to:
1. Make a genuine apology without excuse and take responsibility for the behavior. Say “I’m sorry” for each specific action and avoid any cross blame, such as, “I couldn’t tell you the truth because you are too frugal.”
2. Take all steps to make sure the behavior doesn’t continue. This includes revealing all accounts or debt, creating strategies for avoiding triggers like online shopping and creating a plan for coming clean when there is a slip-up — which there likely will be. A therapist can help to improve communication and understanding to replace thoughts and behaviors that caused the initial indiscretion. We find that shame contributes to one spouse being overly secretive. Therapists can be useful to create plans for how and when to examine shared accounts, to learn and gain awareness of each partner’s attitudes about money and spending, and to uncover any underlying issues, such as spending addiction, gambling, alcohol or drug abuse, or using the money for sexual behaviors.