Family roots
My desire to be a mother bloomed while taking care of my grandmother
“Come look at what I did,” my grandma says with her hands on her hips. A silk scarf swaddles her cotton white hair as she sports a random T-shirt layered with one of my late grandfather’s button-up oxfords, loosely fitting khakis and mudcaked Crocs. For this 91-year-old, this is the height of her garden couture. She wants me to check out the intricate mesh netting she’s using to keep the voles and rabbits from destroying her tender spring plants.
Granny is not a cookie-baking grandma. She is sassy and shrewd with money, and an avid gardener. If there is anything that she loves more than her three children and three grandchildren, it is her yard in the Richmond, Va. suburbs. She grew up on her family’s farm in Mississippi, so it’s no surprise that she has an emerald green thumb.
When I come to her house, I bring my dog, Jodeci, who is effectively a greatgrandchild because I don’t have any of my own. I’m the family member who gardens with her the most, and I appreciate the time we get to spend in the sun trying to coax life out of the ground. But when we have to leave the lush enclosure of her yard and enter the outside world to run errands, we fight about clothes.
“Your shirt is dirty! Go change,” I’ll admonish. Granny retorts, “No, it’s not.” We have a back-and-forth until one of us gives in. Some days I win, and she’ll change. Some days she wins, and we just roll with it. Making sure Granny is presentable in public matters because it shows that she is cared for. To me, that is the highest honor you can give your elder.
When I started helping my mom look after Granny five years ago, it quickly became clear a lot of work goes into running our little family. Though she is highly independent for a woman in her ninth decade living on her own, there are still many tasks Granny needs assistance with. My mother and I take turns preparing or buying her meals every day. We schedule doctor visits, hair appointments and house repairs. We keep scam callers at bay. During the pandemic, I’ve developed a fierce protectiveness over her, persuading her into a high-filtration mask.
This caregiving has taught me to be more patient and present and developed my problem-solving skills. It has been labor intensive, but it also tapped into a deep well of maternal feeling inside of me, making me realize how much I want to start a family of my own. Be