New Haven Register (New Haven, CT)
Mothers who lost children connect like two ‘sisters’
NEWTOWN — Donna Cimarelli and Scarlett Lewis met because both have children who were murdered, but they bonded like sisters because of their emotional chemistry and outlook on healing.
Lewis’ son, Jesse, 6, was among 20 first-graders killed Dec. 14, 2012, at Sandy Hook School in Newtown.
A little less than two years later on April 25,
2014, Cimarelli’s daughter, Maren Sanchez, 16, a popular junior, was fatally stabbed at Jonathan Law High School in Milford by a fellow student.
“We connect on this level that is almost out of this world,” Lewis told Cimarelli. “I feel that’s a gift that has come out of my experience. … It’s such a blessing
to be able to meet someone and connect on such a deep level.”
Cimarelli said she feels the same.
“When we met I just felt such a strong connection as a sister,” Cimarelli said. “I knew that would never break,” even if there were any issues in life they viewed differently.
The women met after Cimarelli read Lewis’ book, “Nurturing Healing Love: A Mother’s Journey of Hope” soon after Maren’s death and was unable to put it down. She found it so compelling that “I literally digested every word. … Everything felt like it was me.”
That included getting guiding messages from Maren, as Lewis still gets from Jesse.
After being so moved by the book, Cimarelli contacted Lewis on Facebook to ask if they could meet for lunch. A week later, they were together at the Gusto Trattoria restaurant in Milford.
Since then, the women have become so close that Lewis has incorporated Sanchez into a mural honoring Jesse and victims of the Sandy Hook shooting — 20 first-graders and six educators. The mural hangs on the front of the barn on Lewis’ Wild Rose Farm facing the street.
The mothers, both positive thinkers looking for ways to bring light into the world, always are saying to one another their telephone conversations are so profound they should tape them.
Recently they did something like that when Cimarelli had Lewis as a guest on her Facebook Live segment of her new series, “Speak Your Mind Value Your Voice,” in which Cimarelli interviews people with interesting stories to share.
Who was Jesse?
When asked to tell the audience who she was, Lewis said her son Jesse was “murdered” along with 19 other children and six educators in a mass shooting at Sandy Hook School. He was a hero at age 6 and would receive a medal for that, posthumously.
“Jesse actually saved nine of his classmates before losing his own life,” Lewis said.
Based on survivors’ stories, Jesse told his classmates to “run” after shooter Adam Lanza shot Jesse’s teacher, Victoria Soto, and stopped to reload.
It is believed, Lewis said, that Jesse “stayed by his teacher’s side,” while the others ran and Lanza shot him.
Cimarelli, always looking for that fateful twist, said in response to Lewis’ story: “Whoever Jesse was able to save is probably going to do something great in the world.”
The family farm
Cimarelli did the episode at Lewis’ Wild Rose Farm in Newtown where Jesse and his older brother, JT, resided with Lewis in a little boy’s haven of a playground, a goal post, horses for riding, lots of animals and plenty of land to for Jesse to play with his plastic army men.
When the boys came inside from “old school” fun with dirty fingernails, exhausted, that’s when she knew they had a great day, Lewis said.
Before he was killed, Jesse left a written message for his brother: “Have a lot of fun,” and it makes sense, Lewis said.
“I could just see Jesse here. I know he’s so present,” Cimarelli told Lewis.
Cimarelli, engaging and naturally conversational as a host, made the episode about Lewis’ journey, and, of course, Sanchez sometimes was brought into the fold.
“She’s not only a friend to me, but I consider her one of my biggest mentors,” Cimarelli told the audience, referring to Lewis. “Everyone needs someone to look up to.”
Cimarelli said Lewis’ story helps give her perspective — there’s always someone who has it worse.
Cimarelli said in her case she’s grateful she had her daughter 10 years longer than Lewis had
Jesse and she doesn’t know whether she would have survived losing Sanchez at the “tender, innocent” age of six. She said some people tell her that losing a child at 16 is worse because
“there are more memories.”
Lewis in turn told Cimarelli she is “grateful” that she can offer “comfort, healing and perspective” through her story.
“I feel that’s a gift that has come out of my experience. I feel you’re a gift that has come out my experience,” Lewis told Cimarelli.
Spreading love, healing, prevention
Both women to help others in the wake of their tragedies.
Cimarelli founded the Maren Sanchez Home Foundation to educate and empower girls and young women to defend themselves against emotional, psychological and verbal manipulation and physical violence. Cimarelli believes if Sanchez had those lessons, she might be alive today. The foundation is now overseen by Boys & Girls Club of Milford.
Lewis founded and has dedicated her life to the Jesse Lewis Choose Love Foundation, which promotes ways for communities to “choose love over anger, gratitude over entitlement, and forgiveness and compassion over bitterness.” She believes if Lanza had learned nurturing, healing love through a social and emotional learning program like hers, “the tragedy wouldn’t have happened.” Her program is widespread and popular at schools throughout the country.
The message
The Jesse Lewis Choose Love foundation was inspired by a message that Jesse had left on their kitchen chalkboard with the words soon before his killing that read “nurturing, healing, love” spelled first-grade style as “Norurtin, Helinn, Love.”
“I know what happened to Jesse and what happened to Maren was 100 percent preventable,” Lewis told Cimarelli.
Lewis said she has continued connection with Jesse, as Cimarelli says Sanchez keeps her going in some ways from another dimension.
Referring to the written message Jesse left — now preserved under Plexiglas in the family home bursting with mementos — Cimarelli said it couldn’t be random.
“Who does that at 6?” she asked. She said it was something messaged through him and she told Lewis, “He left it for you.”
Lewis said people need to learn social and emotional love because people are not born to cope with escalating problems in society such as bullying and other issues.
“You can’t love other people until you love and accept yourself,” Lewis said.
She told Cimarelli, “our brains are not designed for 24/7 information,” such as news tracking hurricanes, developments in Afghanistan and news of COVID-19 coming in all coming in at once.
“All the overflow of this information we can’t handle is causing this explosion of anxiety,” Lewis said.
The mural
Lewis tells the story of a mural for public viewing hanging on the front of her barn that honors Jesse and the others killed at Sandy Hook Elementary School that day.
Lewis said she was among four parents of victims on the Sandy Hook Memorial Committee who heard members of the public say at a meeting they didn’t want a public memorial and didn’t want to be reminded of the tragedy or have to explain it to kids.
Lewis quit the committee that day, called her art teacher in Arkansas, got a group together and painted their own mural.
“I thought about you and I thought I need to include Maren,” Lewis told Cimarelli.
Cimarelli said that when Lewis called with the news she assumed they were going to display the faces of all the victims and Cimarelli didn’t know what to send so she said Sanchez should be represented by a fox, her spirit animal.
Lewis and her art teacher looked at each other because they already decided Jesse and the other Sandy Hook victims were going to be ducks, and foxes are known to be predators of ducks. They chose ducks because Jesse loved ducks, the logo for the foundation.
In the end, the friendly looking fox depicted in the mural is looking lovingly upon the ducks from the side of the water.
The colorful mural is filled with symbolism through nature.
Jesse, his schoolmates and the six educators lost are playing happily in the water, roses all around them in honor of the farm.
The fox is gazing at them peacefully and contentedly.
“In heaven, everyone is happy,” Lewis said.
There’s a hidden army soldier for Jesse’s love of toy soldiers, a bluebird of happiness in a tree, and more.
Cimarelli told Lewis that she had promised to wear her camouflage pants to the interview
“for Jesse” but couldn’t find them anywhere. So she asked out loud for Jesse to help her and was led to the correct stack of clothes.
Lewis told her that was funny because when she and JT are looking for something they pray as always to St. Anthony, but add a prayer to Jesse and usually find what they’re looking for.
The inside of the circa-1740 farm house where the family lives is full of portraits, photographs and mementos of Jesse.
“I like having him all over. I feel him all over,” Lewis said.
Lewis said life is all about what one chooses to surround themselves with.
Each of the women closed the Facebook episode with the words, “Choose love.”