New Haven Register (New Haven, CT)
‘There aren’t enough programs to help us’
Senior pageant winner advocates for grandparents raising grandchildren
Debra Eccles, still beautiful at 70, wears a crown and sash when she makes public appearances as “Ms. Connecticut Senior America 2021.”
But Eccles’ life is anything but glamorous.
The pageant winner became a “mom” at 62 — to her grandson, Stephen, now 8, when he was just two weeks old due to family issues. .
“He’s taught me more about love, patience, kindness. He’s inspired me,” Eccles said of Stephen. “Every day I pray to God I’ll stay healthy enough to see him grow up.”
But while she’s pouring everything she’s got into Stephen — going to playgrounds and worrying about homework rather than traveling the world or writing that book — Eccles is committed to the role, as well as helping other grandparents.
She’s made the issue of getting assistance for grandparents raising grandchildren her platform as Ms. Connecticut Senior America.
The first step in easing the burden on those grandparents is getting them more financial assistance, she said.
Eccles said that unless a grandparent is at poverty level there’s no state or federal money for respite care, and other child-connected items no one on a fixed
income should have to budget for, such as school pictures, toys and school clothes. She said foster parents may also struggle, but receive more money to care for kids than grandparents.
She said more than 50,000 grandparents in Connecticut are raising their grandchildren.
According to the nonprofit agewellct, nearly 60,000 grandparents in Connecticut live with their grandchildren and play a primary role in their upbringing.
About 19,672 grandparents have sole responsibility for their grandchildren, according to data compiled by several agencies as part of “Grandfacts: State Fact Sheets.”
“The financial struggle is huge. There aren’t enough programs to help us,” Eccles said, noting she’s starting to network on the subject with legislators.
“Seniors have given up their golden years to raise the children because they are family,” she said.
Eccles said while there always have been situations in which grandparents have raised children, the opioid crisis has caused a drastic jump in those cases because parents have either died or have been suffering addiction, unable to care for the little ones.
Eccles has begun speaking with legislators about what can be done to help grandparents, but her advocacy — which she vows to continue when her pageant reign is over in May — is in its infancy, so there’s nothing concrete yet.
In her case, Eccles said, it was a flash decision she had to make when Stephen was two weeks old: Would her infant grandson go to foster care or go into her care? She didn’t hesitate, but it hasn’t been easy.
Son Cameron, 41, Stephen’s father, has had a 20-year battle with addiction — which includes relapses — after getting hooked on oxycodone prescribed by a doctor for a sports injury, as he was an accomplished high jumper.
“It didn’t begin because he was ... out there looking for a high. … It wasn’t peer pressure,” Eccles said.
Cameron Eccles has been clean for two years, is working, lives with his mom and is an active parent to Stephen, he said.
“She’s really held our family together. She’s like an angel, she’s really phenomenal” Cameron Eccles said of his mother. “I don’t know how she’s held it together herself and been successful.”
He’s also “proud,” he said, of his mother’s pageant success and gaining her current title as she tried three times before, coming close each time. He said she was a pageant winner in her younger years, as well, but never let her physical beauty go to her head.
Debra Eccles, who lived in Orange for 30 years and raised her sons there, hasn’t had an easy life. She now lives in Shelton.
She was widowed in 1993 at a young age with two sons ages 11 and 13 to raise, so she drove her real estate career into high gear to reach upper management. Her other son, Trevor, now is 43.
She’s a breast cancer survivor, has lived most of her life with a connective tissue disease and has some other ailments, but only takes one pill of medication for the affect of the childhood ailment.
At age 20 she competed in the Miss Jamestown America pageant, winning first runner up, winning a scholarship for a year’s worth of college. She is originally from Jamestown, N.Y.
Then, in 1989, when her husband was still alive, Eccles won the title “Mrs. Connecticut USA.”
“Yes, looks matter,” she said of her most recent pageant win,
“but what really matters is your inner beauty and that you’re of service to others.”
Eccles said there are so many stereotypes around age and she hopes to inspire others.
“I think we still have a long way to go. We’re discriminated against in employment, we don’t look as fresh,” she said. “It’s very difficult to look at that inner beauty.”
Eccles said she looks forward to something new and positive “every decade,” but every decade there’s a new physical challenge.
“I’m 70 years old, so how beautiful can you remain? They call this the age of elegance,” she said.
Eccles said she takes care of herself through walking every day, taking vitamins, eating fresh vegetables and farm-raised meats and staying away from corn syrup and hydrogenated oils.
As for her face, Eccles said she hasn’t had cosmetic surgery, although she has used an electronic
face-lift device on herself and others as a trained aesthetician and has used volcanic ash at times on her skin.
How does she feel about being a senior citizen?
“What is the alternative?” she said.
Eccles said Stephen, named after his late grandfather, calls her “Debra” because the first time he called her anything at 22 months old he blurted that out while she was on the pageant stage.
“It stuck,” she said.
What is the toughest part of being a mom to an 8-year-old at 70?
“The dedication it takes to always be available for everything and anything, I don’t think your energy level is quite what it used to be,” Eccles said.
But then there’s the abundance of laughter and hugs.
“I honestly can say he’s taught
me more than I’ve taught him — patience, understanding, love,” Eccles said of Stephen. “When you’re a young mother you can’t appreciate what you have. We laugh. He says to me a lot, ‘Debra I love you.’ When you’re young you take these things for granted.”
Eccles said she does all she can to destigmatize addiction and she would like to see society do more of that — to view it differently, as a disease — including the courts and law enforcement. She said the system is not one that aids in healing and young people are dying at an astonishing rate.
“If you have seen this in the family it’s heartbreaking,” she said.
Eccles has a special crystal necklace she has earmarked already — just like grandmothers do — for Stephen to give to his bride someday.
Stephen has told her, “Debra,
it’s so pretty. You’ll be here on my wedding day,” she said.
The “Ms. Connecticut Senior America” pageant is a nonprofit in existence for 42 years and they’re already looking for contestants 60 and over for the 2022 pageant. Eccles will serve until May and makes numerous public appearances, including for Connecticut Day at the Big E, parades, classic car shows and dedications.
According to the pageant website, the contest is based on the philosophy that seniors are the foundation of America: “it is upon their knowledge, experience and resources that the younger generation has the opportunity to build a better society.”
The organization also is looking for business and corporate sponsors. For more information on the pageant, Eccles can be contacted at debra.eccles912@gmail.com.