New Haven Register (Sunday) (New Haven, CT)
Being a ‘middle’ can help you live your dreams
Deborah Elmore, who has four older siblings and four younger ones, certainly knows what it is to be a “middle,” but she had never heard of National Middle Child Day until a couple of months ago when she discovered it on the internet.
In a bid to reach out to other “middles” so that they could, as she puts it, “share and embrace our middle child ship,” Elmore is organizing an event on Sunday, Aug. 12 — National Middle Child Day — at Lyric Hall Theater in New Haven.
Although I, too, am a “middle,” with two older brothers and a younger sister, I had never heard of this special day either until Elmore called it to my attention. I went to her home in West Haven last Monday to talk about what it feels like to be in the middle.
Elmore showed me a children’s book she very recently published via xlibris.com called “Alanna The Middle Swan.”
The illustrated story, told in just 14 pages, has a happy resolution but focuses on the experience of Middle Child Syndrome.
I had never heard of that either. Elmore shared with me the definition as described on Wikipedia: “Middle Child Syndrome is the feeling of exclusion by middle children. This effect occurs because the first child is more prone to receiving privileges and responsibilities (by virtue of being the oldest), while the youngest in the family is more likely to receive indulgences. The second child (or middle child) no longer has their status as the baby and is left with no clear role in the family, or a feeling of being left out.”
But Elmore told me she did not suffer as a “middle,” did not often feel left out nor neglected nor overlooked. Indeed, she is glad she was in that family position.
“I never wanted to be first because I would have been afraid of making a mistake,” she said. “I didn’t want to be the last because that usually meant there was very little or none left.”
I asked Elmore if she agreed with what my wife tells me: I benefited from being a “middle” because it gave me the freedom to fly “under the radar,” out of the parental spotlight, and thus to explore, to be different from my siblings.
Elmore nodded. “As long as I can remember, I’ve always danced to my own beat. Growing up, I did things the way I wanted to do them. I’ve always been an artsy person.”
She still regularly makes unusual choices, no matter what people might say to her. “I recently went to see Engelbert Humperdinck do a concert. Some of my friends asked me, ‘Why are you doing that?’ I told them I just enjoy his music. And it was a wonderful show!”
When Elmore showed me her book, I noted her “Prologue” message that it was dedicated to her 14year-old granddaughter, Alanna Elmore: “Alanna is a middle child. She is also a bright, enthusiastic young lady with Down Syndrome who enjoys swimming as gracefully as a beautiful swan.”
But Elmore told me, “The book is my story, although I use Alanna’s name.” The main character is the “middle” of nine swans and she always flies in the exact middle of the family formation. Sometimes she feels unnoticed by her parents but she becomes the one who settles family conflicts. She is also a big dreamer, dances to her own drum, writes poetry and imagines writing her own book.
Elmore has written a welcoming statement which she will read at the Lyric Hall Theater. It includes this description of herself: “I have always been a dreamer. I guess I believe in keeping hope alive. I love fairy tales and I am still waiting on my knight in shining armor.” (She raised five kids as a single mother.)
When she was a child, Elmore wrote in her statement, she loved reading about exotic animals such as elephants, giraffes and peacocks. “I would always imagine myself in a safari
hat on top of a large elephant. I was hooked. And that’s OK because my daydreaming took me to Africa a few years ago and I was able to wear my safari hat.”
She said her dreaming also encouraged her to be a writer. She has published two books of poetry. Elmore started the Poetry Lounge, a traveling open mic poetry show held monthly at local public libraries.
Elmore told me that while she was tending to her five growing kids, she tried to give equal attention to all of them. She said her middle child always showed patience and compassion, traits often seen in a “middle.”
Elmore isn’t just saying this because she is a “middle.” According to Katrin Schumann, co-author of “The Secret Power of Middle Children,” they are “more independent, think outside the box, feel less pressure to conform and are more empathetic. This gives them great skills as employees and also makes them excellent team players and partners.”
Schumann debunked the concept of Middle Child Syndrome: “’Middles’ are not embittered wallflowers. They are social beings and great team players. If ‘middles’ are so resentful and bitter, why are they more cooperative and trusting in their friendships? And why are they such successful leaders?”
She listed some of them: the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr., Abraham Lincoln, sufragette Susan B. Anthony, innovator Bill Gates, scientist Charles Darwin, South African freedom fighter Nelson Mandela and Polish freedom fighter Lech Walesa. Also Madonna.
Schumann said “middles” use their negotiating skills in their romantic relationships. Although they “are more open and adventurous about sex,” she noted, “they are less likely to stray when in a monogamous relationship than are other birth orders.” She pointed out that the comedian George Burns, a “middle,” remained famously dedicated to his wife, Gracie, for decades after her death.
At the back of her “Alanna” book, Elmore included some other notable “middles.” In addition to King and Lincoln, she listed philanthropist Warren Buffett, singer Jennifer Lopez ,TV host David Letterman and another former president, Herbert Hoover.
After our interview, Elmore sent me a page of notes “for you to pick through.” This included her founding of the women’s support group SWANA (Sisters With A New Answer). She said she started it after this setback: “Due to trying to find my way in life, I made a few wrong turns which led to substance abuse and depression for a number of years.”
During the gathering at Lyric Hall Theater (827 Whalley Ave. in the Westville neighborhood), Elmore and others will speak and read poetry. The poster for the event, which will go from about 1 to 4 p.m., also advertises “story telling and reminiscing.” The suggested ticket donation is $10.
Although SWANA is hosting the get-together, Elmore told me, “Men can come too. But it’s not intended for children.” Not even young “middles.”