SCRATCH ’EM OFF THE LIST

From all around the Internet come these holiday gems:

1. Gold-plated penis cross

Nothing says “Christmas” like this season’s must-have Tom Ford accessory, the er, handmade penis cross pendant, which sells for a mere $790.

2. Original Nazi Christmas tree ornaments

What to get that neo-Nazi on your list? A moronic Czech auction site was offering original Nazi Christmas balls complete with carved swastika centers. Oops. No longer available.

3. Grenades for Gramps

How about something in a nice hand grenade to celebrate peace on Earth? Available in silver, gold and explosive black.

4. Pole-dancing children’s doll

Prove how unfit you are as a parent with Pole Dance doll. More moves than Barbie and fewer outfits to buy.

5. Handerpants for halfwits

For $12.39, gift anyone you mildly despise with gloves that look like men’s briefs. Recommended to prevent chafing. Don’t ask.