Rights, wrongs and same-sex marriage
Iproposed to Melisa in an apple orchard. We loved the idea of using a similar site, either an orchard or farm, for our ceremony, so when we found out that Liberty Ridge Farm hosted weddings, we were thrilled. We thought it was the perfect place.
I had been there before with a group I volunteered with, so I knew it was a beautiful facility. It was just what I had envisioned. It had everything we were looking for.
We were so excited when we found the space near Albany, in fact, that we called our mothers and told them we knew where we were getting married.
The excitement ended when we called Liberty Ridge Farm. On the phone, Cynthia Gifford, who owns the farm with her husband, told us they wouldn’t host our wedding because we were a same-sex couple.
I couldn’t believe what I had heard. I didn’t believe this kind of thing could happen in New York State — where, at that point in 2012, same-sex marriage was legal and discrimination was supposed to be illegal.
We had a hard time finding another location, since we had our hearts set on that one. But at a deeper level, I felt judged and dismissed for who I was and for my relationship.
After that, instead of simple excitement, as I called other places, I felt like I had to explain myself and my relationship before I got any further into the conversation — so I wouldn’t risk suffering the heartbreak of thinking things were going well only to learn we were going to be rejected.
Nobody should feel like that. You shouldn’t feel like you have to start the conversation with, “I’m engaged to a girl, is that going to be a problem?”
The LGBT community fought for so long to earn the right to say with confidence that our love is every bit as real and valid as everyone else’s. Melisa and I were at the state Capitol in 2011 when marriage equality passed in New York. We saw firsthand how hard of a fight it was, and we were part of the joy when we thought the fight had been won in our state.
Today, the federal government is also in agreement. We shouldn’t have to feel like we’re second-class citizens — especially with the law on our side.
This is why we decided — with the New York Civil Liberties Union and the ACLU — to bring our complaint about Liberty Ridge to the state Division of Human Rights. It wasn’t a move we took lightly, but we felt we would be remiss if we didn’t. By letting it go, we would be leaving someone else to have to deal with the same disheartening scenario we dealt with.
It’s easy for someone to say, “Why couldn’t you just go to another wedding venue?” The answer is, we did, after a long search. But walking away would have just been ignoring the problem.
Being turned away has a ripple effect on everything that you do; it wears at your psyche, your sense of confidence and your emotional well-being. Being a victim of discrimination has a long-lasting negative effect, which is exactly why laws like the one we have in New York were passed to protect people. That’s why we continue to take a stand — to prevent this from happening again and to make sure people know the protections that are in place.
I believe that if you have a business hosting weddings in New York State or any state, you should have to, under law, host same-sex weddings as well as opposite-sex weddings. The same should be true if you’re in the business of being a wedding photographer, singer, florist, caterer or, yes, a cake baker.
Liberty Ridge was fined $10,000 by the Human Rights Division for refusing to host our wedding and had to pay $3,000 in damages. It is now challenging that ruling in court — claiming that freedom of religion gives them a freedom to discriminate.
No. In New York State, it’s illegal for a public business to turn someone away because of who they are, including because of their sexual orientation. If you sign up to serve the public, that comes with an understanding that open for business means open for all.
If you serve the public, you can’t discriminate