Gobble, gobble, gag!
SECOND BANANA OF THE YEAR:
Following thankless supporting roles in “Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol’’ and “The Avengers,’’ poor Jeremy Renner finally landed the lead in a big movie— but “The Bourne Legacy’’ plays less like a reboot than an extended subplot/place-holder while the producers pray forMatt Damon to return to the series.
SYLVESTER STALLONE AND ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER, ALL IS FORGIVEN:
Karl Urban donned Sly’s old tin suit in the witless remake “Dredd,’’ while Colin Farrell fronted a clueless, humorless remake of Arnie’s “Total Recall.’’ Both deservedly bombed.
MOVIES THAT NOBODY EXCEPT MAYBE DROWNING-IN-RED-INK SONY’S ACCOUNTANTS REALLY WANTED MADE:
The overproduced “Men in Black 3’’ (with Tommy Lee Jones in for maybe 15 minutes) and “The Amazing Spider-Man,’’ which amounted to a much-less-satisfying remake of the 11-yearold “Spider-Man.’’
THE YEAR’S MOST IRONIC TITLE:
The unfunny Vince Vaughn-Ben Stiller versus aliens comedy “The Watch.’’ As it turns out, practically nobody watched one of the summer’s biggest bombs.
UNFORTUNATELY, MOST OF THE ACTION SEEMS TO HAVE BEEN TAKING PLACE OFF-SCREEN:
Audiences slogged their way with Grimm determination through “Snow White and the Huntsman’’ — then, months later, pouty star Kristen Stewart was caught cheating with the married director out of camera range.
EXTREMELY TEDIOUS AND INCREDIBLY OFFENSIVE:
Tom Hanks leaps from aWorld Trade Center tower on 9/11, and his obnoxious son roams the five boroughs withHolocaust survivor Max von Sydow in the altogether unfortunate schmaltzfest “Extremely Loud& Incredibly Close.’’
PARAMOUNT BLEW ITS 100th ANNIVERSARY BUDGET ON THAT VANITY FAIR SPREAD, SO ALL MOVIEGOERS GET IS (MOSTLY) A BUNCH OF CHEAP EXPLOITATION PICTURES:
“The Devil Inside Me,’’ “Katy Perry: Part ofMe,’’ “The Dictator’’ and “Paranormal Activity 4.’’
FORGOTTEN BUT NOT GONE:
Kate Hudson failed to combine romantic comedy with cancer in “A Little Bit of Heaven,’’ the latest in her long unbroken string of losers; Eddie Murphy unwisely kept his mouth shut in “A ThousandWords,’’ which very briefly surfaced after fourour years on theth shelf; anda Katherine born Heigl fr gracedg the “One stillranchise for the Money,’’ which finisheed well out of it.
WHEN N GOOD ACTO RS APPEAR IN VER RY BAD MOVIE ES:
Joseph Gordonn-Levitt in “Premiium Rush,” Bruce WillisW in “The Cold Light of Day’’ and Toom Hardy in both thhe unspeakable “This Means War’’ and less,’’ the not-much-bettter incongruou “Lawusly cast as Shia LaBeouf’s brrother in the latter. All floppped.
THE FIRST FILM NOMINATED FOR THE BAD HEMINGWAY COMPETITION:
Bradley Cooper as a blocked novelist who passes off someone else’s bad Hemingway-esque novel as his own in “TheWords.’’
SHOOT ITT IN THE HEAD AND PUT USS OUT OF OUR MISERY:
Steeven Spielberg’s “War Horse’’ laysl on the equine schmaltz withh a trowel in one of the phoniest-lookingl war movies of all time.
ONE WAYY TO STOP CRITM ICS FROMCRITM MAKING JOKES ABOUT YOOUR LAST NAME:
It’s three strikkes and you’re out for Taylor Kiitsch, who toplined two of the yeear’s costliest flops: the dreadfuul sci-fi epic “John Carter’’—— not exactly a great warrm-up for Disney’s planned “StarWars’’ sequels — and “BBattleship,’’ which sank insstantly. Kitsch’s third 2012 filmm, the drug thriller “Savagees,’’ cost far less butt still failed to breeak even.