Hondo’s still the one
HONDO maintained his lofty perch high atop the Best Bet standings in Week 2 despite the conspiratorial efforts of his cosaboteurs, the Niners and Colts, whose respective collapses mean Mr. Aitch will have to settle for a 492 BB record.
Texans over Giants: It’s tough to back a team whose marquee WR is dropping the balls he demands be thrown to him, whose QB is struggling with a new offense and is on pace for a personal worst 32 picks, and whose coach already is begging for the fans not to jump ship. Stay away from Big Blue at least until Week 7.
Bills over Chargers: It’s Friday, so Happy Goodell Day, everyone. You probably haven’t heard of this weekly designation, because it’s a new one in which the NFL commissioner emerges from under his desk, and if he sees his shadow he quickly and fearfully crawls back to his hiding place for another seven days of cowering.
Cowboys over Rams: To cover for commissioner incompetence, the NFL so far has hired Cynthia C. Hogan as senior VP of Public Policy and Government affairs and a threewoman panel to advise the commish on domestic violence issues, and named Anna Isaacson to be VP for Social Responsibility. Those are lofty and seemingly important titles for people whose real jobs are to shield Goodell, so he can get back to irrelevant endeavors such as bringing an NFL team to London.
Redskins over Eagles: New coach Jay Gruden and the Redskins will be so happy if they upset the Eagles they will be kissing Cousins. But it’s OK, Charles Barkley says, because they do that in the South all the time.
Saints over Vikings: Emailer BarkingMut of SoBe writes Saints “D” coordinator Rob Ryan looked like he was having a cow while watching the Browns drive into position for the winning field goal, and by the enormous protrusion of his stomach, he is having twins.
Bengals over Titans: At least one ESPN insider/suckup (Hondo would name him but it wouldn’t be fair to omit the other suckups) was quick to point out that Goodell worked hard behind the scenes to put the Purple People Beaters’ Adrian Peterson and the Panthers’ Greg Hardy on the exempt list. Bold moves, Rog. Which one of your new advisors helped you with that tough call?
Rumor has it ESPN has offered a job to Titans kicker Ryan Succop when he retires.
Browns over Ravens: The smoking rate in NYC has risen from 14 percent to 16 percent, which was predictable once SuperNanny Bloomberg left office. Next thing you know people will be upping their salt intake, sneaking trans fats into their food and washing it all down with some biggulp sodas.
Packers over Lions: Reggie Bush says he not only backs Adrian Peterson’s method of disciplining his children, but he also intends to discipline his 1yearold daughter “harshly.” Is there room for one more on the exempt list? Check with the ladies, Roger, and get back to us.
Jaguars over Colts: Florida State’s Jameis Winston will be suspended for the entire first half of Saturday’s Clemson game for standing on a table and yelling something vulgar in the student union. Nevertheless, being the team player he is, the Heisman Trophy winner will stick to his weekly ritual of providing free crab legs for the pregame meal.
Patriots over Raiders: NASA has commissioned Boeing and another company to build space taxis to carry astronauts back and forth to the international space station. For the astronauts’ sake, let’s hope there aren’t the same problems with those taxis as there are with their earthbound counterparts, such as offensive odors in the vehicle, reckless driving and a reluctance to pick up minority space travelers after dark.
Cardinals over Niners: SF QB Colin Kaepernick is appealing his $11,025 fine for using “inappropriate language.” And rightfully so — whatever was said no doubt was perfectly appropriate coming from a guy who threw three picks and had a fumble while engineering a brutal comefromahead loss.
Seahawks over Broncos: A Chinese man named Zheng Gang generated four deposits for a sperm bank in 10 days and didn’t live to tell about it, dying of a heart attack after the last one. Peter Cook, Peewee Herman, David Duchovny, Fred Willard and Kellen Winslow Jr. all had the same reaction: “Only four? Whew, there but for the grace of God go I.”
Chiefs over Dolphins: Emauler Ed Buckmir points out two bad things happened in the Midwest over the weekend — the timeout that cost the Jets the tying touchdown in Green Bay and Hillary Clinton announcing “I’m baaack!” to the Tom Harkin Steak Fry crowd in Iowa.
And now there’s a third: Joe “CannonBalls” Biden showed up in Iowa Wednesday. Skinnydipping Joe, who was under strict orders from the White House to keep his swim trunks on at the hotel pool, made a speech in which he railed against the growing income inequality — as if an administration other than ObamaBiden has been at the wheel of the economic engine for the last six years.
Panthers over Steelers: The Panthers’ stout defense shouldn’t have any problem with the potpuffing Pittsburgh offense.
Bears over Jets: Mr. Aitch is putting Gang Green on time out until further notice, especially with the Bears’ elite receiving corps going up against the Jets’ inferior secondary corpse, which was torched for 209 yards Sunday by Jordy Nelson.
BarkingMut predicts: After their incredible blunder cost the Jets a tying TD, Rex Ryan, Marty Mornhinweg and Sheldon Richardson will be appearing on the cover of “Time Out New York.”
BEST BETS: Bengals, Packers, Seahawks.
THURSDAY night: Falcons (W).