FOR CRYING OUT LOUD

Listen up, parents! You'll regret naming your kid after a character in your favorite film or TV show

LOOKING over our thick guide to baby names, my wife and I were startled to find the name “Dijonnaise” listed. In the “origin” column the guide simply said, “Condiment.”

Though the mustardmayo combo has not yet made it even to the bottom of the list of baby names being used in the US, some oddball choices are zooming their way up the chart. Parents are intent on sending a message to the registrar of births, and that message is: We watch a lot of television. They’re half a step away from naming their kids Netflix and HBO.

Whereas parents once named their daughters Jennifer after the witty, tragic and beautifully selfcomposed heroine of 1970’s “Love Story,” now they’re reaching for names that will forever tie their kids to early 21st-century fads in massmarket fantasy. There’s nothing wrong with “Isabella” and “Jacob,” though each shot to the top of the charts in 2011 because of the dippy, brainless “Twilight” series. Each name has a rich enough history that future generations won’t automatically associate them with a cheesy movie franchise. If you want your kid to have a name so worn-out he or she is going to need a number to be distinguished from three others with the same handle in kindergarten, fine.

Some other kids may not be so lucky.

“Galina,” “Nicky” and “Piper,” all characters on “Orange Is the New Black,” shot up in popularity by double digits, registering 67 percent, 35 percent and 28 percent gains this year, respectively, according to 2014 statistics from babycenter.com released earlier this month. Parents, get a clue: Call your kid “Nicky” if you want, but don’t put it on the birth certificate unless you want her to be an exotic dancer.

There may also be a “Frozen” effect happening. “Anna” was up slightly, “Elsa” got a boost, and even “Olaf ” showed gains this year, leaping from No. 457 to 383, according to babycenter.com stats. What kid wants to be named after a self-deluding snowman?

You’re off the hook, partially, with “Piper,” a sturdy English name with a long history, or “Galina,” which goes back to ancient Greek and means “calm,” but does your daughter really want to be associated with a soapy TV show rather than, say, classic literature or a cool story about where her parents met? (“To Kill a Mockingbird”-inspired names “Atticus” and “Scout” have a noble foundation, but don’t get any ideas, all you couples who met at Costco.)

Perhaps thanks to Robin Wright’s popularity on Netflix’s “House of Cards,” “Robin” and “Wright” both saw upticks this year — up 12 percent and 65 percent, says babycenter.com. And courtesy of “Game of Thrones,” “Arya” is a fastgrowing girls’ name, leaping from the 900s to No. 277 since 2010, according to the Social Security Administration. Though it has Sanskrit origins (it means “noble”), the name is a bit too easily traceable to the vengeful tomboy daughter of Eddard Stark.

As for “Khaleesi,” the title of Daenerys Targaryen on the show, that’s just a word (for “queen”) made up by author George R.R. Martin. And yet 241 girls were named Khaleesi last year, up from zero or close to it a few years ago. (The Social Security Administration tracks only those names given to five or more babies or Rachael.

“Katniss” and “Finnick” — two more made-up names, which appear in “The Hunger Games” — wound up on the birth certificates of 17 and 15 babies last year. These kids aren’t going to grow up to be rebel warriors — they’re going to grow up to be embarrassed. In 20 years, “The Hunger Games” is going to seem about as cool as “Conan the Barbarian” is now.

Still, there are even more excruciating choices.

For the 11 families that named a boy “Arson” last year, please keep all matches under lock and key, and don’t move in next door to me. To the 12 who named their boy “Mavric,” spellchecking software is available. And to the 48 families who named their baby girl “Female” last year, come on. You’re not even trying.