How to win friends and interrogate people

An FBI agent on how he gains trust

The Like Switch An ExFBI Agent’s Guide to Influencing, Attracting, and Winning People Over

by Jack Schafer

Touchstone

When the FBI needed a plan to make their clueless, text happy young agents better at interviews, they introduced them to one of the bureau’s veteran behavior analysts— the guywho knew all about interrogations.

“The young guys would come up tomeand say, ‘You old guys make it look so easy. What can we do?’ ” said agent turned author Jack Schafer. “We concluded ifwe studied theway normal people in normal life make friends, we could thin slice that and have the agents do that in their normal lives.”

Now Schafer, a Ph.D. whoworked with the bureau for seven years as a behavior analyst, shares the tricks of the trades in his newbook “The Like Switch,” cowritten with management professor Marvin Karlins, Ph.D.

Overcoming your “urban scowl” and delivering nonverbal cues, orwhat Schafer calls the “Big 3” friend signals (eyebrow flash, tilted head and authentic smile), tell people that you are approachable and not a threat— maybe even a friend.

“We are too busy focusing on ourselves and not the people we meet,” he writes. “We put our wants and needs before the wants and needs of others. The irony of all this is that other people will be eager to fulfill your wants and needs if they like you.”

This is all part of the FBI sounding “Friendship Formula”:

Prolonged eye contact is unnerving and tends to give away undercover cops. But Schafer says you can get away with it by slowly turning your head away while still staring. People naturally assume you are looking away if your head is turned away.

Men at a club vying for the attention of women should use their heads, says Schafer: tilt yours ever so slightly to one side or the other as you give your best smile or approach someone. In exposing your carotid arteries on either side of the neck, an ancient, nonverbal message is sent to others that you are friendly and trustworthy. Males who don’t tilt their heads in dating environments risk being seen as predatory.

Learn to read a party. Groups in a semicircle are likelier to welcome newcomers, especially if their feet point outwards. People in closed conversations generally stand facing one another or in a circle, with their feet pointing inward are less likely to be inviting. Aperson alone whose feet point toward the exit reflects a desire to leave or need for a reason to stay— like a friendly new face.

Isopraxism, or mirroring the actions of others, is critical when making a first impression, because the other person will notice the lack of synchronous movement. Met by crossed arms? Cross yours. If the other person shifts position and crosses a leg, it’s now your turn to reposition similarly. Or else: “The person not being mirrored may not be able to specifically articulate why they are uncomfortable, but this foe signal will trigger a defensive response, which discourages attempts at friendship.”

* Compliments received directly will be received skeptically, because people assume you’re currying favor. Schafer and Karlins argue an office gossip can be a trusted intermediary to deliver the goods and vouch for them as authentic. The same process works in dating — they say it’s just about the bestway you can compliment a woman’s intelligence.

“Pursed lips mean the person has formed a thought in their mind that is in opposition to what is being said or done,” the authors write. “The trick is to change their mind before they have an opportunity to articulate their opposition.” Same goes for lip biting (someone is holding something back) and lip compression. Lip touching indicates uneasiness with the topic at hand. Respond by addressing their presumed concern or change the subject.

A good test for rapport between two people is the hair flip, the authors write. Tossing your head with a hand in your hair is a strong positive signal as long as there is mutual eye contact. If a woman looks away to flip her hair, the authors claim, that is the infamous “bitch flip” that sends a strong signal of disinterest or rejection.

Standing wider, with hands on hips, is an aggressive stance. Clenching fists or furrowing a brow indicate advancing aggravation and attempts to display dominance. “By the time you get within speaking distance of anyone, they will already have formed the opinion that you are a threat or possible threat, making any further communication difficult,” the authors note.

Whena person youwant to meet is feeling their best, ride the coattails of their endorphin rush, Schafer and Karlins write. Increasing your proximity to a person as they leave the gym, for example, predisposes them to like you more because everything and everyone they see is rosier after a good sweat.