Hondo stumbling and tumbling
HONDO followed up his terrific 1051 season debut with a dismal 412 in Week 2 that has him brimming with uncertainty going into this week’s schedule of events.
So, uh, here are this week’s winners, maybe, but probably not.
Jets over Eagles: If Gang Green’s defense had no problem stopping the great Andrew Luck in Indianapolis on Monday night, shutting down Sam “The Sham” Bradford at MetLife should be a snap. Just pray that socalled offensive guru Chip Kelly doesn’t come to his senses and replace Bradford with the ol’ buttfumbler, who couldn’t be any worse.
Rams over Steelers: After Dr. Ben Carson caused a media firestorm by saying he wouldn’t “advocate that we put a Muslim in charge of the nation,” nonpolitician poster boy Donald “El Donaldo” Trump played the political game and tried to capitalize by saying he would consider putting Muslims in his cabinet. Muslims yes, but certainly not Mexicans.
Vikings over Chargers: For a guy who slams his fellow candidates and the media at the drop of a hair hat, Trump sure is hypersensitive to the slightest bit of criticism, which could hurt his candidacy. After all, with the country in the shape it’s in, now might not be the best time to elect a WhinerinChief.
Texans over Buccaneers: Hillary Clinton, who continues to plummet in the polls, received a boost this week when the United Brotherhood of Carpenters and Joiners endorsed her. And that wasn’t the only one; she also picked up the backing of the powerful AFDWPS (American Federation of DoubleWide Pantsuit Stitchers).
Panthers over Saints: While Hillary remains under attack because of her email scandal and unwillingness to tell the truth, it seems ironic that her husband, Peyronie Bill, is refusing to bend over backwards to defend her.
Patriots over Jaguars: Hillary had a meeting with Obama about the investigation of her emails and reportedly told him to “call off your f ’ing dogs.” It’s surprising she is so fearful about dodging a few dogs when she already has proven capable of dodging a fusillade of sniper fire.
Bengals over Ravens: Props to the Bengwads, who seem well on their way to a fifth straight playoff season, and, as long as Andy “Red Zone” Dalton is at helm, a fifth straight one and done.
Browns over Raiders: Obama reportedly is seeking Pope Francis’ help in getting the American hostages back from Iran. Hopefully, the pope told him: You gotta be kidding. You and Kerry gave the Iranians $150 billion, allowed them to selfinspect their nuclear facilities, let them get away with chanting “Death to America,” and you still couldn’t get them back? Holy Shi’a; what is wrong with you morons?
Colts over Titans: Marie Auma, a distant relative of Obama’s in England, is suing her employer, the Southwark police station in England, for $600,000 because she claims she was forced into early retirement by her bosses, who, among other things, deliberately farted at her. Word is Obama took Marie to task for not being tough enough, telling her: “Biden’s always sidling up to me and letting a few rip, and you don’t see me quitting.”
Cowboys over Falcons: Michelle Obama is scheduled to be a guest on Colbert on Monday night, which no doubt will continue a longstanding tradition of Late Show hosts kissing the butts of the Obamas.
Cardinals over 49ers: Martina Delavega, 51, of Jacksonville was charged with “malicious castration” after biting her boyfriend’s testicles and opening a wound that required eight stitches to close. Just to be clear, that’s “malicious castration,” as opposed to the friendly kind.
Bears over Seahawks: Russell Wilson still hasn’t had that seminal moment of the 2015 season. Teammates are hoping to change that by arranging a romantic gettogether with his girlfriend and fellowabstentionist Ciara sometime before Sunday’s game.
Now that Kam Chancellor’s back, how long till he lands on the injury list with the traditional postholdout pulled hammy or groin?
Bills over Dolphins: Rex needs a win so he doesn’t have to offer up his predictable postloss tripe, which came gushing out after Brady & Co. torched the Bills. Jets fans know the refrain: “This one’s on me. I was outcoached. It’s all my fault. I take complete responsibility. I didn’t have the team ready.” If that’s the case, time and again, maybe he should go back to coordinating defenses for a living.
Broncos over Lions: Brian Williams reportedly will work out of a “phonebooth sized” studio in his new gig as breaking news anchor” for RS MSNBC (RatingsStarved MSNBC). Actually, he is just going to duck into the booth and emerge as the heroic newsman, “SuperAnchor.”
Packers over Chiefs: “The Adventures of SuperAnchor.” Faster than a spreading lie, more full of it than Hillary Clinton, able to make up stories in a New York minute. Look! Up in the sky, it’s a stealth bomber, it’s an Apache helicopter, it’s SuperAnchor! Yes, it’s SuperAnchor — selfaggrandizing news reader from RS MSNBC who has powers and abilities to fabricate far beyond those of Lance Armstrong, Lyin’ Dick Blumenthal and ARod put together. SuperAnchor, who can save puppies from a raging house fire, ward off street gangs in the aftermath of a New Orleans hurricane, and who, disguised as a legitimate newsman for an unwatchable cable news channel, wages a neverending battle to boost his massive ego with deception, myth and total BS.
BEST BETS: Panthers, Patriots, Packers
THURSDAY: Giants (W)