Yo Th nk n survival guide
Pushy parents, picky eaters and prickly politics. Here’s how to cope
YOU’VE gathered with your family and friends over turkey, but certain sticky situations can feel like 1,000-pound Butterballs in the room. Suddenly, everything from your dating life to your diet are up for debate. Here, New Yorkers reveal their most dire Thanksgiving dilemmas and experts give definitive solutions. (Some last names have been omitted for privacy.) I just meta new lady whom I ad ore, and she wants me to spend Thanksgiving with her and her family. I would love to, except that I know it will upset my mother, because we are usually together. How do I turn down Mom without hurting her feelings?
— Robert James, 26, Stamford, Conn. “It is important that you decide what kind of relationship you want your new lady friend to have with your family; she will take her cues from you,” says Lesly Devereaux, a New Jersey-based life coach and author of “Breaking Codependency.” “If you think it’s more important to spend time with her family and totally exclude yours on Thanksgiving, then go with her. The better alternative is to split the time. That might not work for your waistline, but both families will be happy.” Every Thanksgiving my mom asks ,“Why am I not a grandmother yet ?” My mom means well, but as the years pass, she gets more aggressive. Is there away top uta stop to the intrusive questions?
— Aly Walansky, 35, Park Slope, Brooklyn “You’ve pointed to a reason why many dread Thanksgiving: the brutal family inquisition,” says Jason Gay, author of “Little Victories: Perfect Rules for Imperfect Living.” “It almost always comes
from a place of love, but it’s unfair for your mother to load you with such undeserved guilt on what’s supposed to be a holiday. Remind Mom that if grandkids ever do come, you might insist they spend Thanksgiving with your mother-in-law. Or at an Arby’s.” I come from a family of loyal Democrats on one side and Republicans on the other. They are all invited to dinner, and I know the topic of politics will come up—unless you know away to avoid it?
— Reginald, 60, Newark, NJ “You know the individuals attending — think about activities that they enjoy, such as board games, cards or sports. Start the activities early, to take the focus off of uncomfortable conversations,” suggests Devereaux. “At dinner, stick to topics everyone enjoys — family, food, travel, etc.” (For more ideas, see taboo topics below.) I’ ve been a vegetarian mywholelife.Why isn’ t my family sensitive to my non-turkey diet, and what can I do? — Dara Lehon, 41, Lower
East Side “While I respect your choice, and your family should provide some delicious alternatives, it’s hard to impose vegetarianism upon others during such a day of turkey tradition,” says Gay. “Gently suggest a humanely raised bird, eat those veggies, and remind yourself that the cranberry sauce did not have a mother.” A certain in-law of mine has a history of being unpleasant and whiny—but when the holidays come up, I feel the urge to be polite and invite her to dinner anyway. Since I know she has never nor will she ever like me, should I bother?
— Joy N., 58, Montclair, NJ “Her whining might be because she is starved for attention,” says Devereaux. “Ask her what her favorite dish is for Thanksgiving; tell her that you would love for her to make it for dinner. If she won’t, then create fun activities for your guests that fill the room with laughter and leave her on her own island of misery.” I goto Thanksgiving dinner at various relatives’ homes every year, and this year was my turn to host—until myf amily ditched me for other plans. I’ m insulted, even though I know they have good excuses. Am I in the wrong?
— Laura Morreale, 37, Elizabeth, NJ “Laura, you’re not the only host to dream of a full family Thanksgiving — but they tend only to happen in movies and television shows starring Craig T. Nelson,” says Gay. “Modern life and the sprawl of modern families means more obligations, and you’ll have to accept [that] not everyone will make it to yours. If you’re still troubled, see if Craig T. Nelson can swing by for pumpkin pie.” My family has a range of religious beliefs —Christian, Muslim, agnostic and atheist. Is there a Thanksgiving prayer that em braces different beliefs for my Thanksgiving dinner?
— Lois J., 70, Delran, NJ h Thanksgiving is rooted in the of the Pilgrims, the holiday is ger considered Christian,” says reaux. “That being said, if you of a specific religious affiliation, n’t change your belief to accomodate people who have entered ur home. They know who you e and what you stand for and hould respect it.” Ia ma 17- year-old college student attending school in New York City. I am from California, and my family wants me to come home for Thanksgiving. How do I explain to them that it’ s too far to travel for just three days?
— Nelson James, 17, Upper West Side “You are right, California is 3,000 miles away — a very long trip for three days,” says Devereaux. “However, your parents are probably missing you if it’s your first year away from home. If Mom and Dad are paying, go home. If not, ask a friend who lives in the area if you can get an invite for Thanksgiving. Whatever you do: Don’t spend the holidays alone!”