FIGHT RIGHT
Knowing how to argue is the secret to making marriage last
ONCE the honeymooonn phase peters out, marital arguments are pretty much inevitable. But conflict — including the occasional blowup — doesn’t necessarily spell doom. “The way we argue with our partners can make a big difference in the longevity and long-term happiness of the relationship,” Eli Finkel, Ph.D., author of “The All-or-Nothing Marriage” (Dutton, out now), tells The Post. Here, he shares his advice for making those arguments as constructive — and painless — as possible.
1. Don’t assume the worst
Repeat offenses, such as leavingg dirty dishes in the sink, can make you think your spouse is deliberately being diff icult. Try not to rush to judgment. “If we’re confident that our partner is a decent person who wants to do well by us, there’s a strong argument that we should give him or her the benefit of the doubt,” Finkel writes. Try sussing out your spouse’s deeper motives — for instance, maybe he’s stalling on dish duty so you two can relax after dinner — and negotiate from there. (“How about you wash and I dry before we kick back?”)
2. Collaborate ththroughh conflictfli t
When tensions run high, it’s tempting to shut down or sweep the disagreement under the rug. Instead, try viewing it as a problem to solve together. “Assuming there’s a deep thread of goodness in the relationship, it’s constructive to think of difficulties . . . as opportunities to learn about each other and to deepen thet relationship,” Finkel writes. Try saying, “OK, how should we handle this problem?” and tackle it as a team.
3.3 Refrain from firing back
When both partners are upset, words can get heated — and spouses can end up spewing things they later regret. So do your best not to mirror unkind words. “It’s beneficial for each partner to try to respond generously when the other behavesb badly,” Finkel writes. “[We shoulds heed the advice of ] Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg: ‘When a thoughtless or unkind word isi spoken, best tune out.’ ”
4. Remind yourself what you love
When spouses get under each other’s skin, it’s easy to see only their most annoying qualities. Instead, step back and take a moment to appreciate the good points. Is she deeply loyal? Is he an amazing dad? Seeing the total person keeps your feelings from clouding over. “All of us can find a few minutes per week — before going to bed or while showering, perhaps — to think about ways in which our spouse has invested in our marriage,” Finkel writes.