PRESENT TENSE
Today’s children get too many gifts. It’s time to stop the madness
MORE kids don’t have to mean more clutter. That’s the message from Marie Kondo, bestselling author of “The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up,” who recently told the website Babble that she is writing a version of her book for kids. (There is already a graphic novel called “The Life-Changing Manga of Tidying Up” for adolescents but this will be for an even younger crowd).
Kondo, who for years has given advice to adults who dreamed of a minimalist lifestyle that could fit inside a tiny house, now has two children of her own, both under the age of 3. And as any parent knows, the amount of stuff a child needs is inversely proportional to his or her age. So now Kondo wants kids to do their share of decluttering. She told The Wall Street Journal of her older daughter: “I was surprised to see her putting books, stuffed animals and toys for playing house back in their place more precisely than I expected.”
Lord knows it warms my heart to see my children getting rid of books and board games and dolls and costumes and broken drones and fidget spinners and all manner of other tchotchkes, but before we go too far down this road, maybe it would be better to restrict their intake in the first place.
Earlier this month Mila Kunis told “Entertainment Tonight” that her 3-year-old daughter, Wyatt, and 11-month-old son, Dimitri, won’t be getting any Christmas presents this year. And if the grandparents need to give, they have been instructed to pick one gift. Maybe she and husband Ashton Kutcher sound like Grinches, but Kunis explained: “Last year when we celebrated Christmas, Wyatt was 2 and it was too much . . . The kid no longer appreciates the one gift. They don’t even know what they’re expecting; they’re just expecting stuff.”
When my oldest daughter turned 3, we had the same experience. With a birthday that came only a few weeks after Hanukkah, there seemed to be a steady trickle of presents, which ended in the Niagara Falls of a joint birthday party with a friend. Twenty children brought presents, and we have a picture of her sitting on the kitchen floor drowning in wrapping paper. We tried to space out the opening of presents but then one morning at the end of February she woke up and said, “Where’s my present?”
We stopped having parties for our children after kindergarten, but after that first experience I started writing “no gifts, please” on every invitation. The first two years, I was completely ignored. Every single child brought a present. The third year, I suggested contributing to a charity instead, but at least half of the kids still brought a gift.
People feel guilty for not bringing stuff. They think that our kids will be disappointed if they don’t get more stuff. And now the trend is for parents to split the difference. Give us a check, the invitations say, and we’ll give half to charity and half for a big present. But the parents don’t need the money and the kids don’t need more stuff. We all need to lower the expectations.
Not every trip to a museum needs a trip to the gift shop. Not every trip to CVS or Target or the supermarket merits a prize.
It’s not even just the kids who are having the birthdays — it’s the ones attending them. When I was a child, a goody bag consisted of a kazoo and some candy. Now sending kids home with sweets is a no-no and small toys are cheaper than ever. Instead of piñatas filled with treats, kids are breaking open animalshaped boxes full of crayons and erasers — hundreds of them that no one will use because there’s more than a second-grade class worth of supplies at home.
Whether it’s birthday parties or bar mitzvahs or quinceañeras or sweet sixteens or confirmations, parents are competing to give out the best swag. But if we are honest with ourselves, very few of these items will “spark joy,” to borrow a phrase from Kondo. In a few months time, they will generally spark dread among parents opening the closet or looking under the bed.
All research suggests that it is experiences — socializing with family and friends, trying new activities, spending time outside — and not things that bring long-term happiness. The quicker we banish clutter from our lives, the sooner we can teach our children that important lesson.