Phil Mushnick
T HIS column has long tried to observe the separation of church and home plate. But given that there are no atheists in foxholes or among those in 1-for-20 slumps, there are exceptions.
Thus we quote from a missive sent by Father Tom Mangieri of West Milford, N.J.: “Being a priest I appreciate the value of peace and quiet — but never so much as when ESPN’s Sunday Night Baseball has ended and Jessica Mendoza and A-Rod are finally done talking and talking and talking …”
For a starker assessment, we turn to reader Jack Baroody: “I am right now trying to watch ESPN Sunday Night Baseball. I have given my belt and shoe laces to my wife.”
Apparently ESPN doesn’t believe us. It spends a ton in rights fees, salaries and production costs to create the most annoying, cloying, obnoxious telecasts — after cherry-picking the games it chooses to destroy.
Alex Rodriguez, on Sunday after just the fifth batter of Yankees-Red Sox (played in what smug, smarmy play-by-play man Matt Vasgersian cleverly referred to as “The Fens”), actually contradicted himself in consecutive sentences, when that generally takes a few minutes, perhaps a side-symptom of the PED use that brought him fame, fortune, Fox and Disney’s ESPN.
Rafael Devers hit a hard grounder to second baseman Gleyber Torres, who was playing a few feet into right field. Torres swiped at the ball and missed it.
With that, Rodriguez opined that Torres has the skills of a gold glover, but again showed his inclination toward “lackadaisical” fielding.
The play was ruled an error, which fully met with Rodriguez’s assessment, but instead led to his firm, 180-degree declaration that it should have been scored a hit because it was hit hard. Yes, Father, let us pray.
In a few minutes, ESPN inserted tape of Angels rookie Matt Thaiss hitting a game-ending home run against the Orioles. It looked as if center fielder Stevie Wilkerson could or would make a play on the ball — that it would be close — but as the ball descended ESPN covered the entire view with a graphic.
Vasgersian is one of those who seem to lie awake at night trying to come up with hip, pithy, long-form and silly expressions, which isn’t a bad idea, as those are the ones most likely to be parroted and perpetuated. NBC golf host Dan Hicks is not the first to say, “Safely in the hole.”
So in the sixth inning of Yanks-Red Sox, after Gio Urshela hit a double over center fielder Jackie Bradley Jr.’s head, Vasgersian embroidered the self-evident with, “Bradley turns his numbers to the infield and plays it off the wall.” Ugh.
Throughout the game, Mendoza was reliably there to explain and describe every pitch and why it was or wasn’t a strike, occasionally relying on ESPN’s occasionally correct and always intrusive live artificial-additive Kzone box.
But the big, scripted moment of the telecast arrived when Jennifer Lopez entered the booth along with a birthday cake for Alex Rodriguez. Cue the forced laughter.
But again, this, and worse, is how it has been every Sunday night for the past two years, thus ESPN’s shot-callers are obviously under the impression that we love it all when I’ve never encountered more overwhelming and specific reader discontent with what ESPN does to baseball games.
In fact, the only telecasts that rival real fans’ disapproval are those of ESPN’s other big-ticket property, “Monday Night Football.”
Even Father Mangieri might concede that turning the other cheek is not an option.