NANNY WARS
An alarming number of caregivers are being accused on social media of neglecting their charges — but it’s a controversial trend that has parents divided
B ETWEEN 11 p.m. and midnight June 21, Randy Howk received a flurry of e-mails. Friends told the father of two that his family’s beloved nanny was unwittingly playing a starring role on mommy Facebook groups around the city.
A bystander had posted a photo on the page of the 18,000-member group NYC Moms-Upper East Side, showing the cellphonetoting baby sitter and Howk’s 9-month-old daughter, Alexandra, at the Asphalt Green Playground. The post was subsequently shared on other group pages, including the 36,000-member UES Mommas.
“This nanny . . . kept a baby tied in a stroller for two hours and her older sister, Aria, [sic] unattended in the playground today,” the caption read. “Please tell their family.”
What happened next is a perfect illustration of the bitter divide over the “nanny-shaming” posts that are swiftly proliferating on social media. On one side stands parents — and a few nannies — who believe the call-outs are justified. On the other stands a different set of parents — and most nannies — who claim such posts are, at the very least, inflammatory and, at worst, ruining the reputation of innocent caregivers.
That night, Howk and his wife, Elle Sherman, were understandably alarmed. But since it was late, they didn’t immediately contact their sitter of seven months, who asked to be identified by her first initial, C.
“Coincidentally, while they were at the playground, C sent us a snapshot of Alexandra asleep in her stroller, almost identical to the one [that was] posted,” Howk, a 50-year-old actor and Web site designer, tells The Post. “At the time, we thought, ‘It’s good that she’s taking a nap.’ She was safely harnessed, not ‘tied in.’ ”
A call with C the following morning dispelled any lingering doubts they might have had. Upset about the post, C insisted that Alexandra had been sleeping on and off in the stroller, while her outgoing 4-year-old sister, Ariah, ran around talking and playing. “I would never neglect your girls,” the nanny told Howk.
Meanwhile, tempers were running high in the Facebook groups where the image was posted. Many moms applauded the poster for her vigilance. “It takes a village,” one wrote. Some comments were just
I love the fact that a person in the community can see something wrong and post it . . . a disaster may be avoided.” — Yelena Pikman, mom of two, on the upside of nanny shaming
ugly: C was branded “a hood rat” by one and criticized for her long, painted, “dirty” nails by another.
Others slammed the poster, questioning why she hadn’t said anything to C about the presumed “neglect.” Nannies and moms alike defended the caregiver, saying that it was impossible to know “the full story” and that the photo-taker had invaded the privacy of both nanny and child. Couldn’t she at least have blurred their faces?
The debate equally intrigued and horrified Queens resident Grace Lee, 25, who went into full-time child care shortly after becoming a tutor following high school. Now working on the Upper West Side, she says she belongs to many Facebook groups where nanny shaming is a regular occurrence.
“It happens a lot,” Lee tells The Post. “Nannies are increasingly afraid, in case they are going to be called out for some perceived infraction.”
A rash of recent posts show nannies shopping with their young charges in stores such as T.J.Maxx and sitting at the hairdresser or a nail salon, talking on their phones. Some posts have even captured nannies sleeping — or at least closing their eyes — on the job.
“So many assumptions are made after chance encounters,” Lee says. “How do these posters even know the woman is a nanny and not the mother? African-American and Caribbean women are more often assumed to be nannies, while white women are not.
“As an Asian, I got lucky because the last few kids I was looking after were mixed-race,” she says. “As an American citizen, I can stand up for myself. But lots of other nannies can’t. One misunderstood post could cost them their livelihood.”
Then again, Lee says, “if there is abuse — someone is obviously hitting a child or doing something horrible — people should say something. Don’t let them out of your sight until a police officer arrives. Don’t just take a photograph and post it on social media when you get home.”
Rena, an Upper West Side mother of five, has another take. In April 2018, she spotted a toddler running around tossing books at the Barnes & Noble on West 82nd Street. Rena, who doesn’t want her last name printed for fear of retribution, spotted the child’s nanny talking on the phone while sitting with his younger brother, seemingly ignoring both children.
Rena posted the nanny’s photograph to UWS Mommas (19,000 members) with the caption: “My daughter and I were there for about a half-hour and this nanny barely looked up from her phone . . . I hope someone recognizes her so the parents can be alerted.”
The post drew 450 comments — some supportive of Rena, others accusing her of racism — and became so heated that site administrators pulled the plug.
“Would I do the same thing again?” Rena asks. “Absolutely, hands down. I make no apologies. We all need to look out for each other and keep our children safe.”
Nanny-shaming posts seem to be received more favorably in mommy Facebook groups whose members are mostly from Russia or Ukraine. Mother of two Yelena Pikman, 35, an events coordinator from Staten Island, says call-outs are often featured on Russian Parents, which has 20,000 members in New York.
“I love the fact that a person in the community can see something wrong and post it,” says Pikman. “What better way to be Our sitter . . . was attacked on social media. [The poster] defamed a good person, for no reason, and refused to apologize.
to show something than on ial media, where there is a chance the parent will be nd and a disaster may be ided?” was a shaming post that rted a Brooklyn mother of that her 2-year-old son was ng abused by her sitter of 18 nths. The woman, a speech hologist, fired her nanny hin hours after another ther photographed the sitter reaming” at the child, shaking stroller and “shoving his pacr into his mouth.” recognized our nanny on my ghborhood Facebook group same morning and conted the poster,” the mom says. hat she told me was shockWe had cameras in every m, except the bathroom, and never seen any aggressive havior in the past . . . Who ows what else she might have to my son?” Randy Howk and Elle Shern took a very different course. on defending their nanny, asked the poster to delete wrongful” shaming photo A day later, she did so — she couldn’t remove the eenshots that had spread to er Facebook groups. herman, a lawyer, retaliated posting an open letter to the ginal group, describing the urt” the poster had caused her “disdain and disapval toward my black baby sitMeanwhile, Howk plastered accuser’s own headshot on eral mommy Facebook ups, naming her new emyer and sharing links to her ial-media accounts. Then he went further, contacther workplace “to let them ow that their new employee to sabotage the career of a ung woman.” one responded, but Howk till satisfied. She got a taste of her own dicine,” says Howk.