IT’S A FAMILY AFFAIR
How to become a proud parent by choosing adoption
FOR Michael, a 50-something single lawyer and public school district administrator from Long Island, becoming a father was always part of his vision. “I always felt I’d be a dad. It felt so fundamental to who I am,” said Michael (last name withheld).
While he was hoping to parent with a partner, when it didn’t happen, “I realized about five years ago that I couldn’t wait any longer. I’d have to do this now,” he said.
Today, he’s the proud father of a 2-year-old daughter he adopted at birth, and is now in the process of adopting a 5-year-old boy.
“I put it out into the universe,” said Michael, who himself was adopted. “That energy of me being a dad led these children to me.”
But Michael’s journey to fatherhood was, as many hopeful adoptive parents find, not easy.
When embarking on this process, emotions must be in check, since “you’re asking the state to create a legal relationship between you and the child,” said Steven Sarisohn, an attorney with Sarisohn Law Partners LLP, based in Commack, NY. The general practice firm largely concentrates on adoption law.
To set things in motion in New York State, you’ll need to get certified as a qualified adoptive parent.
“They’ll want to know you’re medically and financially OK to take on the responsibility of a child,” said Sarisohn. “If you have a DWI or were convicted of a crime, it could create a delay or roadblock,” he said. “A drug conviction earlier on in your life doesn’t necessarily prevent you from adopting, but you’ll need to explain why you’re fit to adopt.”
Many prospective parents work with an adoption agency. In New York, agencies must hold a license.
The cost of using an agency could be $30,000 or even more, and some of these funds, including a significant $10,000 to $15,000 deposit, may not be refundable, said Sarisohn.
“You need to know where the agency is putting this money. Is it in escrow? How is it being spent?” he said. “An expectant mom is allowed to receive money before the baby is born as reimbursement for reasonable pregnancy-related expenses.”
However, note that “the birth mother cannot consent to an adoption until after the baby is born and she puts pen to paper,” he said.
In contrast, you could go the independent route. “It’s a more hands-on approach. You (and advisably your lawyer) are doing the vetting,” said Sarisohn. “Let the rest of the world know you’re looking to adopt. You need to cast as wide a net as possible. A good number of adoptions come from someone who knows someone.”
Digital media is valuable, as Michael found. Via a local support group for prospective adoptive families, he was advised to create a Web site.
“I wanted it to be an authentic representation of me so that expectant women had an idea of the life that a child would have with me as their dad,” he said.
Just one month later, an expectant mom reached out to him.
“I got a call from a woman from the South,” said Michael. “Her pregnancy was a secret from her family. She was seven months along.”
Once you’ve connected with an expectant mother, realize, “She may not treat herself the way you would in relation to nutrition or fitness,” said Sarisohn. “You can encourage her to get prenatal care, but you can’t control what this person is going to do.”
Many times, a birth mother will sign her consent in the hospital.
“An adoption attorney is typically involved in discharge procedures, coordinating between the hospital, birth mother and prospective adoptive parents, as this is a very emotional time for all,” said Sarisohn.
The biological father’s relationship is also important, and in New York, his consent may be needed. A biological parent can also revoke consent within 45 days after signing, but won’t automatically get custody.
Prior to finalizing the adoption, the court will order a social worker to conduct a home study, ensuring that the child and adoptive parents are adjusting to family life.
“There’s a minimum three-month waiting period to make sure everything is going the way it’s supposed to before an adoption may be finalized,” said Sarisohn.
The entire adoption process from decision to finalization varies greatly, but could be up to three years, sometimes longer.
For international adoptions, most have at least a six-month waiting period, said Michael S. Goldstein, Esq., LCSW, an attorney who concentrates in adoption law, including international adoption, based in Rye Brook, NY.
In 2008, the US joined the Hague Convention agreement to safeguard intercountry adoptions, so all international adoptions must be performed by an accredited agency.
Since China recently allowed three children per family, “we’re seeing fewer adoptions from China,” said Goldstein, while Dominican Republic, Haiti, Colombia, Nigeria, Ghana, South Africa and Ukraine are main avenues for adoption.
Obtaining medical information about birth mothers is a difficulty, but the risk of a birth mother changing her mind is less with international adoptions, said Goldstein.
The international adoption process is finalized in the country a child is adopted from, said Goldstein.
In the US, approval is granted after you file a 1-600A or I-800A form, along with your home study.
Once all this is in the rear view mirror, it’s time to enjoy the love and wonder of becoming a parent.
“As soon as my daughter was in my arms, I was overcome with a feeling of immeasurable love and joy,” said Michael. “Every day it just grows. It’s an amazing, wonderful experience.”
Let the rest of the world know you’re ready to adopt
— Steven Sarisohn attorney, Sarisohn Law Partners LLP