GEAR TO FEAR

Dyson's air-purifying headphones clearly crazy

YOU too can look like Hannibal Lecter for the low, low cost of almost $1,000. Last week, the British tech company Dyson, which dries your hands at airports and makes cost-prohibitive vacuum cleaners you will never actually buy, unveiled their cockamamie new Zone noise-canceling headphones that simultaneously purify the air — offensively priced at $949.

Can they also purify the floor? Because I’ve just vomited.

Bad COVID side effect

Look at them. This veritable skull cage is slightly less flattering than orthodontic headgear and hides your smile instead of improving it.

Essentially, you’re dropping a cool grand to get beat up on the playground by Nelson from “The Simpsons.”

As futuristic is it pretends to be, Zone is a regressive device in more ways than one.

While Apple has made wearable tech more unassuming — its sexier, over-the-ear AirPods Max cost about half of the Zone’s price — Dyson wants to turn deep-pocketed consumers into Dumas’ “Man in the Iron Mask.” Only here, Dumas is spelled d-u-m-b-a-s-s.

The company must be targeting the freakish pandemic holdovers who still wear N95 masks on jogs in the park on a windy day or alone in the car on the way to work. We’re all clearing our drawers of old cloth face coverings — why not fill the void with a giant metal one? The Zone is said to filter 99% of particle pollution, but Dyson doesn’t go so far as to say it prevents COVID.

They do, however, say that with the airfilter attachment, the headphones weigh a hefty 1.5 pounds — about 10% the weight of the average human head. Call your chiropractor!

But wouldn’t it be nice to breathe perfectly sterile air most of the time? Not really.

Experts said that this fall the US endured its highest flu hospitalization rate in a decade, blaming a lack of exposure to germs during COVID lockdowns.

“We suspect that many children are being exposed to some respiratory viruses now for the first time, having avoided these viruses during the height of the pandemic,” said Dr. José Romero, director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention’s National Center for Immunization and Respiratory Diseases.

And what goes better with an electronic anti-germ mask than noise cancelation? Now it’s super easy to be an anti-social shut-in from anywhere in the world!

Really not a good look

So, the Zone is ideal for the person who wants to look like a moron all day, inhale scuba tankquality air and not talk to or hear anybody. It’s also suitable for anyone looking to come down with the worst flu of their life after briefly removing the headphones mask at a restaurant.

The Zone will be available in March — by appointment only. But anybody who drops $1,000 on this Google Glass 2.0 really needs an appointment with a therapist.