Site of all insight: New York
NEW York. Greatest smartest best effing city in the universe. Big buildings, big careers, big riches, big fame, big time BS.
Long ago bones emigrated here from those who-knows-where towns nobody can even spell. They commandeered this new world many rents ago. PDQ they discovered the best bagel, best cheesecake, best steaks, best deli and best BS was on this planet’s A-1 destination.
You prefer a yurt? A tent? Lotsa luck. Mongolia’s got plenty of space for a double-parked camel. No plumbing problems. No noisy neighbors. And no traffic congestion once you understand how to lose ex-Congress pig George Santos.
OK, so we’ve had a few crooks. Listen, nobody’s perfect. Years go on. Things happen. My own face doesn’t even look as good as it did.
No limit$ here
We know how this town works. Can’t get seats to something? Please. Just shove a handful of green to whoever and shut up and get your seats. Need that one charmeuse gown for the wedding of your niece — whom you personally dislike anyhow — and the manager’s wearing it and the thing’s all sold out? So what? Flash a few and he’ll slip off his own drawers to kick it to you.
You just have to know how to work the system. It’s a question of education. The politicians already know — so why not the public?
This blue state, which leans further left than that Tower of Pisa — Donald’s the lone singular solitary sole real estate smartass you ever heard of ? Like nobody else — EVER — in this supermarket of highest rents, richest Realtors, fattest wallets, biggest egos and largest lies ever did?
We’ve got miles of bricks — and tricks. And d - - ks. Very few of them flunked math. He the lone alone dealmaker who might’ve done a real deal?
Now, as we speak, there’s probably two architects and one Hamptons landlord up on the moon subdividing a lunar boulevard. It’s been that way forever. I’ve actually heard Little Red Riding Hood’s smartass wolf — who probably had a real estate license — went to granny’s just to grab her house.
Nobody in real estate ever previously inflated their bricks? Nobody? Ever? Never? Think maybe landlords might deliberately lower the value of their properties just because they’re stupid and friendly and enjoy losing money? Think Dopey, Sneezy and this city’s entire real estate playground never ever ever did similarly?
Grand central status
Think lyricists are writing songs about Allentown? How about “Give My Regards to Elmira”?
The next rush will be more migrants flocking here, because if these kinds of trials continue landlords will be gone, and skyscrapers will top out at two floors and vagrants can sleep on the street in blankets because they soon won’t have to worry about landlords and high rents and low politicians.
Anyone doesn’t like NYC? Well, De Niro, Spielberg, Scorsese, Seinfeld, Sarandon, Streep, Sarah Jessica, Madonna, Gaga, Buscemi and Beyoncé do!
So if you don’t, and if you start peeling away this great Big Apple — your new song might be “Give My Regards to Whitefish, Montana.”