‘Studying’ for man is off course

Susan Patton has fired the latest shot in the family-versus-career debate for women.

Coming on the heels of Facebook chief operating officer and best-selling author Sheryl Sandberg, who writes in her book Lean In that women can go for the gusto when it comes to career leadership, Patton stirred up a hornet’s nest with a mere best-read letter.

Headlined “Advice for the young women of Princeton,” the letter ran in the March 29 Daily Princetonian, the prestigious school’s newspaper. A Princeton alumna, Patton advised young women to “find a husband on campus before you graduate.” Men have more time to build home and families, but women have “a shelf life,” she admonished. For that reason, they shouldn’t concentrate solely on building a career, only to find themselves unmarried and childless — and panicking — in their 30s. Also, if women would mine the campus for their hubbies while at Princeton, they’d stand a goodly chance of garnering a spouse who’d be as smart as they are and therefore more compatible.

“As Princeton women, we have almost priced ourselves out of the market …. You will never again be surrounded by this concentration of men who are worthy of you,” wrote Patton, who, rather than being June Cleaver, has actually spent the last 20 years running a consulting and executive coaching business in New York.

Patton didn’t come out and urge Princeton women to worry more about an MRS degree than an actual one, but is accused of being in a 1950s time warp and doing just that. The fact that she married at 30 to a non-Princeton man and is recently divorced prompted speculation (at least on the comment boards) that she’s having herself a case of bitterness chased with woulda-coulda-shoulda.

The remarks made by Princeton’s 2013 graduation commencement speaker are already at risk of being anti-climactic.

This made me think back — and, well, cringe a bit — at the 1989 column that started me on my Let’s Talk journey. It was about the statistic that women were waiting later to marry. My youthful opinion, shaped by a Southern belle upbringing: Women didn’t have a choice but to wait. Good, willing husbands had gotten harder to find.

No, I’m not about to launch into a diatribe against Patton or against my younger self.

I do wonder, however, what Patton’s advice would have been had she followed her own advice during her days on campus … and faced the same outcome today.

The odds of her marriage lasting may indeed have been better had she found a Princeton lad with whom she was more equally yoked. But better odds make no guarantees.

This goes well beyond the realm of spousal selection. Look at what has happened in light of the economy and other seismic shifts that have disrupted our lives in recent years. The body count of people who did the so-called “right thing” — and ended up on their keisters anyway — is uncountable.

The best ways to find a suitable spouse is to work on making yourself into all that you can be — spiritually, mentally, relationally, emotionally, etc.; to not allow your happiness or joy to depend on other people or your circumstances; and to know how to roll with the punches. I would add “bend with the wind,” as the two phrases were combined during my upbringing. But I think you need to bend when adaptability is required, and stand tall against anything and anyone who tries to erode the unique identity the good Lord implanted in you.

Above all, the best way to become part of a viable duo is to look forward to marriage as something you contribute to, not get something out of. If both marriage partners are loving and giving 100 percent, the issue of whether they met in school or at the dog park won’t matter.

Not that there’s anything wrong with going the goal-pursuit route that, appearance- and statistics-wise, would yield the best results. But here’s an addendum: if you don’t get the results you hoped for, dream new dreams, set new goals, keep putting one foot in front of the other and stay optimistic. Valuable goodies — human or otherwise — often lie in wait for those forced to take the crooked path.