Late laughs

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

We have Adele on the show tonight! That’s right, we thought we’d do everyone a service and help them get their crying out BEFORE Thanksgiving.

In a speech last week, Bernie Sanders called for a new global alliance with Russia and the Middle East to fight threats around the world. Then people said, “You mean [threats] like Russia and the Middle East?”

Ted Cruz’s campaign announced that it’s going to launch a national “prayer team” next month, where people will pray for Cruz to win. Then God said, “Oh, I tuned out of this thing weeks ago.”

In a recent interview, Donald Trump’s daughter, Ivanka, said that her father loves eating at McDonald’s. It makes sense considering the “McFlurry” is also what Trump asks for when he goes to the barber.

The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

Butterball’s been running a tollfree hotline for turkey-cooking tips since 1981. Every year, the turkey talk line receives more than 100,000 phone calls, but sadly, they have not once been able to save the turkey’s life.

The Late Late Show with James Corden

The group Anonymous, an international network of computer hackers who attack websites and steal personal information in the name of justice, announced last week that they are going to war with ISIS. As if ISIS didn’t already have its hands full, now they have to change all their passwords!

So far, Anonymous has been responsible for the deletion of over 5,000 ISIS Twitter accounts. That’s right. They’re hitting ISIS where it hurts the most: retweets.

We are just 15 days away from when Time magazine chooses its annual person of the year. There’s an online poll where readers can vote for their pick, and currently leading in that online poll is Democratic hopeful Bernie Sanders. This is ironic, because I’m not sure Bernie Sanders has ever even been online.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

A new poll found that 54 percent of Americans say it’s too early to be playing Christmas music. I couldn’t agree more. Now let’s talk about the 2016 presidential race.

Donald Trump said in an interview that it is highly unlikely that he would ever use nuclear weapons as president. Meanwhile, Ben Carson said, “Hey, what does this button do?”

After a protester was assaulted at a Donald Trump rally this weekend, Trump told reporters, “Maybe he should have been roughed up because it was absolutely disgusting what he was doing.” And he might have a point, because what the man was doing was attending a Trump rally.

Drug makers Pfizer and Allergan today announced a $160 billion merger. It’s the largest pharmaceutical merger since the one that takes place every day in Keith Richards’ stomach.

A new study has found that specially trained pigeons can have up to an 85 percent accuracy rate of detecting breast cancer in humans. Which means that 15 percent of the time it’s just a pigeon staring at your boobs.

Rapper Big Sean performed during halftime of the Eagles vs. Lions game today. Of course, before Thanksgiving dinner, he was just Sean.