Northwest Arkansas Democrat-Gazette
Anti-vaccine parents not immune from familial estrangement
DEAR CAROLYN: I am pregnant with my first child, and a firm believer in vaccinations. My parents are very anti-vax, and I know what it’s like to get all those childhood illnesses and I know what it’s like to have long-term health problems from them.
I would love to have my parents come for the birth of their grandchild. I absolutely would adore having them there. But they would need to get the Tdap at the very least.
I know they won’t want to do that. I know they’re going to try to justify why they don’t have to, and why it’s not a risk for an infant if they don’t have it.
I also know they’re going to resent that the other grandparents get full access to the child. Because they’ve had all their vaccinations, when their first grandchild was born.
So how can I convince my parents to get the Tdap? And how do I phrase that I’m willing to not let them see their grandchild until they get their vaccinations, without coming across as a complete b **** ?
— Worried and Pregnant DEAR READER: Seems one of the long-term problems your parents saddled you with is the belief that they have any standing at all here, and that you need to hear out their justifications.
You don’t need to “convince” them of anything.
You just need facts, courage, boundaries.
The facts are here, courtesy of the Centers for Disease Control: bit.ly/VaxyMama.
The courage is to take a stand knowing your parents will make you pay for it emotionally.
The boundary is, “I will not risk having people around the baby who are not vaccinated.”
If your parents cite the other grandparents’ access as unfair: “They have been vaccinated.” A fact-boundary-courage cocktail.
None of this is something a “b **** ” says — and, oh my goodness, is there a vaccine against internalized misogyny? It’s something a parent says who has confidence in her choices.
So that’s where you concentrate your efforts: not on persuading anyone else, but on shoring up your own convictions and your emotional resources to help you bear up under pressure. That could serve as a nutshell prerequisite for effective child-rearing, so, if it helps, then treat this situation as a practice run for not caving on stuff that counts.
Pediatricians aren’t only for present care, of course — they’re invaluable toward family health strategy. Since you choose your baby’s primary caregiver while you’re still pregnant, you’ll have a chance to explain to him or her before you give birth what you’re up against with your parents. Emotional pressure is so much easier to withstand when you have ongoing, disinterested, expert advice and support.
Reputable sources provide facts, facts build your confidence, your confidence gives you a chance. Choose well, lean hard, hold firm.
DEAR CAROLYN: Our new neighbors have a boy the same age as our introverted, 4-year-old son. The two have been getting along really well. The problem? In the father’s first conversation with my husband, he was quick to mention his passion for guns, but in the same breath said not to worry because they’re all safely locked in their home.
We don’t share the same enthusiasm for guns and frankly aren’t comfortable with the idea of any of our children in a home that has them. Thankfully, the kids have been able to play outside, but cold weather is looming and our son has already asked about going over to his new friend’s house. Any suggestions on how to handle this super sensitive situation?
— J. DEAR READER: You explain to your neighbors that you’re uncomfortable with the idea of your children in a home with guns, and you ask them if they’re willing to show you their storage setup.
If they are as responsible as they claim to be, then your neighbors will welcome your honesty and the opportunity to show you the safety measures they’ve taken.
They also can explain how they’re teaching gun safety to their kid(s), because I’m guessing you and your husband haven’t thought about how you’ll handle that yourselves. And you do need to think about it, even as abstainers.
You happen to know this home has guns, but you won’t know about other homes of other friends — America, home of more guns than people (bit. ly/NoAvoidingIt) — unless you ask every time. That will evolve from impractical to impossible between now and when your kids start to move around independently and without 24-7 supervision. So teaching all of your kids safe practices is not optional just because there aren’t any guns in your home.
If your neighbors are not open to addressing your concerns, then say you’re sorry to hear that, and their son is welcome to play in your home.