Woman is pressured to tell friend of husband’s flirting

Dear Abby: I have been friends with “Caroline” for more than 20 years. Her husband is present when they visit us because they live out of state. When I visit her, he is there. I have been married 28 years, my husband doesn’t join me when I visit her.

A year or two ago, her husband was in town to see family without Caroline, and I invited him to dinner. He thought it was a date behind his wife’s back. She knew we were having dinner, but I never revealed to her that he made a pass at me. I explained I wasn’t trying to start a romance and would never do that to my friend.

When I got home that night I told my husband what happened. He took it personally. He told me to tell Caroline. Others have said don’t say anything.

My husband and I are now invited to the wedding of Caroline’s stepdaughter. My husband refuses to go. He still insists I tell Caroline and explain why he isn’t coming.

Their marriage is already rocky. Both have had extramarital affairs, and he said he planned to divorce her last year but hasn’t. Should I tell Caroline what happened? —

Covering Up Dear Covering: I see nothing positive to be gained by telling Caroline at this late date. It’s ancient history. Caroline already knows that her husband has cheated in the past. I do not think it would be helpful to rock the boat.

Dear Abby: I have been speaking to a really nice guy online, and after many weeks, we decided to meet up. It was a lunch spot, so I wore jeans and new shoes, and did my hair. We had a pleasant lunch, which he insisted on paying for.

In his pictures, he is very handsome and well-dressed and groomed. He showed up to the date in a knit hat, and the rest of his attire was wrinkled and sloppy.

I’m thinking I may be disappointed because I may have built up expectations in my head. We are talking about a second date, and

I’d like to give him another chance to crisp himself up, but I don’t want to hurt his feelings. I never thought of myself as judgmental. Am I being unreasonable for wishing my new boyfriend wants to look as good for me as I do for him? How do I handle this? — Second Thoughts Dear Second Thoughts:

Here’s how. Recognize that he is not your “new boyfriend”; he is only a candidate for the “job.” Go out with him a few more times and get to know him so that you can have an honest conversation with him. If he doesn’t shape up, tell him what you told me. Leave out the part about blaming yourself for your feelings. You are entitled to them, and you might be doing him a favor to speak up.