Northwest Arkansas Democrat-Gazette

Gifts for grandkids are left behind at grandma’s house

- ABIGAIL VAN BUREN Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069 or visit www.DearAbby.com

Dear Abby: I have a daughter who lives out of town with her husband and children. I don’t see them often, so I love buying them gifts that are waiting for them when they get here.

For the past few years, my daughter has refused to take any of the gifts home with her, so the toys sit in my spare rooms. She smirks and laughs when someone says something about leaving behind the gifts. She and her husband stay at my house when they visit, so the kids play with their toys then.

I’m hurt by her lack of appreciati­on and have decided to stop buying anything for the kids. I don’t enjoy giving monetary gifts. I want to see the kids’ faces when they open a present and play with it. Would it be wrong for me to just stop buying gifts? — Generous Granny In Ohio

Dear Generous Granny: This is something you should discuss with your daughter. Could it be that your grandchild­ren have so many toys at home that there isn’t room for more?

I’m not sure why your daughter would “smirk and laugh” when “someone” mentions the gifts left behind. That kind of behavior is rude. But I don’t think children should be punished for it. To deny them gifts on birthdays and Christmas would be a petulant mistake.

Dear Abby: My mother is close to death. I haven’t had contact with her in 30 years. While we were growing up and even into adulthood, she was incredibly abusive, neglectful and manipulati­ve. She didn’t provide the basic needs for us. She prioritize­d her boyfriend over us and engaged in crazy behavior. She would chase us with knives and expect us to accompany her to throw garbage on her boyfriend’s car.

I don’t wish any harm on her, but she’s not part of my life for a reason. As she approaches death, how do I deal with this? No one should die alone. None of my siblings want anything to do with her either. What do I even say? —

Post-Traumatic In California Dear Post-Traumatic:

What do you even say ... to whom? To the person who informed you that your mother is dying? To your mother if you choose to be with her? Are you sure your mother wants you there?

Because you asked for my advice, I am suggesting that you may have fewer regrets if you are with her at the end. You don’t have to say anything more than, “Mom, I’m here for you,” if you don’t wish to. From your descriptio­n of her, she had serious emotional problems. Please allow me to offer my sympathy.

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