Northwest Arkansas Democrat-Gazette

Attentions from married man play with woman’s emotions

- ABIGAIL VAN BUREN Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069 or visit www.DearAbby.com

Dear Abby: I’m someone who doesn’t get noticed often. So when I receive attention, it’s a nice feeling. Problem is, I am getting that attention from a married man. I didn’t know he was married. He doesn’t wear a ring and never mentioned a wife until he accidental­ly let it slip.

When someone is married, I back off, but I’m starting to have feelings for him. He comes on strong one day, the next day he feels guilty and backs off, but then we pick up right where we left off.

I’m not trying to paint him as the bad guy; he’s a really good guy. I know it’s wrong, and he hasn’t promised anything. We haven’t had any physical contact, but it’s messing with my emotions. I don’t want to feel anything for him, but I can’t help it. Help! — Dazed & Confused

Dear Dazed & Confused: You may not want to feel anything for this married man, but you do. And because you “don’t get noticed much by the opposite sex,” the attention you’re receiving is like water on a parched flower. (Funny how they always seem to pick the vulnerable ones.)

This is not an “innocent” flirtation. Someone will get hurt if it continues— likely you. “Good guys” don’t behave this way. It wouldn’t have happened if he had been honest about his marital status.

Dear Abby: When I came out as gay, my parents rejected me. It made my early 20s the most challengin­g period of my life. I have tried to forgive them, but they refuse to acknowledg­e the trauma they caused.

Last year they felt sorry for a young adult and let him move in with them. Mom never shuts up about how we should feel sorry for those less fortunate. They act like I have always been blessed.

How should I react to this? I’m on a good path now, but I don’t know if I can ever forgive them for being so helpful to a stranger and not their son. Am I wrong to ask where my sympathy was? — Seeking Validation In Texas

Dear Seeking: If you plan to hold a mirror up to your knee-jerk homophobic parents and expect honest introspect­ion from them, I think you’ll be wasting your time. It’s possible that they think their compassion for the stranger makes up for the way they treated you. Whether you can forgive them for it depends solely upon you.

You are now on a constructi­ve and rewarding path. The validation you are seeking can be found there. Your ability to forgive may come once you have distanced yourself enough. I have often advised that when parents are toxic, it’s important to build “families of choice,” and I sincerely hope that is what you are doing and will continue to do.

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