Man’s messiness touches nerve in budding romance

Dear Abby: I’ve become involved with a woman I’ve been friends with for years. We became close over the course of 2020, and have soft-launched dating.

Not long ago, she expressed great disappointment because of my messiness when I last visited her. I had left an empty coffee cup on her car floor, my shoes in the middle of her kitchen and knocked some pillows off of the couch, among other things. I know her criticisms are fair, but they were also over the top.

I believe this is a trait I can fix, and I told her I would, but now she wants some space. She said she isn’t sure she can become romantic with a messy person who “doesn’t respect her space.” While I understand where she’s coming from, I’m afraid I won’t have a chance to prove myself.

Do you have any advice about how to approach the situation? In the past, she has dated men who weren’t respectful to her at all. — Mr. Messy In Pennsylvania

Dear Mr. Messy: A serious — but nonconfrontational — conversation with this woman is in order. Does she have a touch of OCD? Or could she reluctant to become further involved for some other reason — such as a fear of intimacy or her bad luck with prior men in her life? You need to ask what has caused your otherwise happy relationship to go so far off track, let her know you are willing to work on your “messiness,” and ask her to lay her cards on the table about what else may be bothering her.

Dear Abby: My wife and I have a beautiful 8-year-old daughter. She was a donor egg baby, as we had three miscarriages and were unable to bring a baby to term. My question is, when is the right time to tell our daughter that her mother is not her birth mother? I was bullied extensively as a kid, and don’t want this to become a topic to haunt the rest of her school days. — Doting Dad

Dear Dad: I’m sorry you were bullied as a child, and I’m glad you asked this question. If your wife carried your daughter to term, she is the child’s birthmother. She just needed a little “extra help.”

Your daughter is at an age when school curriculum may begin covering reproduction. After she has learned the basics, consider slowly starting to educate her about the various pathways to parenthood. When she is a little older, provide more details about the miracle of her birth. It is important that she can always get honest answers from her parents. At some point, the donor’s medical history may be something she needs to know about.