LATE LAUGHS

The Late Show with Stephen Colbert

Even Ukraine’s grandmas are fighting for their freedom [during the Russian invasion], which means Russian troops won’t just be defeated by guns, but by one very long story.

[Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy’s] bravery is especially surprising because before he was a politician, Zelenskyy was one of Ukraine’s most popular TV comedians. Your move, Mrs. Maisel. Let’s see how marvelous you really are!

There’s good news for everyday Ukrainians looking to pick up a certified, pre-owned vehicle: The Ukraine government says “citizens don’t need to declare captured Russian tanks and military equipment for tax purposes.” Well, that is great news because we’ve all been there. You come across an abandoned Russian T-72B3 tank and your first thought is, “How is this going to impact my taxable income?”

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

A man in New York just won $10 million from a scratch-off lottery ticket. But here’s the unbelievable part — not just that: The same man won $10 million from another scratchoff ticket three years ago! ... Even crazier, the same guy was in line behind him at 7-Eleven both times.

[President Biden’s first State of the Union address] was historic. ... Biden was at the podium with Kamala Harris and Nancy Pelosi right behind him. Fox News was like, “Throw in Hillary and you’ve got all Four Horsemen.”

Before his State of the Union [speech], Biden had a 30-minute call with Ukrainian President Zelenskyy. Zelenskyy asked Biden to share weapons, and Biden asked Zelenskyy to share his approval rating.

The Late Late Show With James Corden

Belarus is threatening to join the fight on the Russian side, so this wasn’t exactly a neutral meeting place [for face-to-face peace talks]. You know, going to Belarus for peace talks with Russia is like going to couples’ therapy at your wife’s book club.

The United Nations General Assembly met today [Feb. 28] to discuss the matter [the Russian invasion of Ukraine] in an emergency session. This is the first time an emergency meeting has happened at the UN for 40 years. Do you know what I’d love? I would love just to not make history for a while. ... Just nothing. I want to turn on CNN and see them reporting live on Rihanna’s pregnancy.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Since there’s no free press in Russia, one of the ways that people have been speaking out is by posting anti-war messages on other sites like Google and Trip Advisor on the reviews. This is a real review for a café in Moscow: “Your government is lying to you about conflict in Ukraine. It’s not a rescue operation and there are no Nazis there!” Also the chipotle mayo is TOO SPICY! Hours after his [Kanye West’s] divorce with Kim Kardashian was finalized, Ye posted a video for his song “Easy.” ... [I]n the video ... is a clay version of Pete Davidson being kidnapped and then driven away by a clay Kanye and buried up to his neck. ... So, Kanye’s taking this well. ... You know it’s a bitter divorce when the Claymation videos start coming out. I mean, this is what happened when Wallace and Gromit broke up and you know how that ended.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

In honor of St. Patrick’s Day, Dunkin’ Donuts is offering a shamrock macchiato. In a related story, Italy has declared war on Ireland. According to a new poll, 71% of Americans who watched President Biden’s State of the Union address had a positive reaction to the speech. But let’s be honest, everyone who would have had a negative reaction was watching “Yellowstone.”