Northwest Arkansas Democrat-Gazette
Childhood sexual abuse puts woman on a difficult path
Dear Abby: I’m a widow in a new relationship. I was molested for years by an older sibling. When my behavior became troublesome — skipping school, becoming antisocial — I was sent to a reform school for several years. The sibling was sent into the army.
When I was released from the school, I drifted into worse relationships and into the sex trade. I got out of that after six months. I’ve always felt like a “good girl,” but the past haunts me. I used to talk about the abuse constantly. It was always in the back of my mind. It still pops up on a regular basis, but I have not told my new partner.
A friend once told me that people don’t need to know everything about you, and I believe that. Some folks blamed me for the abuse, although it started before I was 8. Sometimes I feel I should tell my partner, as it does affect my behavior — I have low self-esteem, etc. I’ve had counseling, but it didn’t help me. When I confronted my abuser years later, he told me it was my problem.
Do I need to share this to be completely honest about who I am? I have never felt “normal.” It’s as if I’m carrying a dreaded secret. — Good
Girl In Washington Dear Good Girl: What you suffered as a child was not your fault. You needed counseling then, not blame. Because you didn’t receive it at that time, it isn’t surprising your problems followed you.
Not knowing your partner, I cannot decide for you whether you should reveal your history to him. I can strongly recommend that you contact the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (RAINN) by phone at 800-656-4673 or online at rainn.org. When you do, you will be talking with a trained counselor who can guide you. Nothing you confide will be a shock to that person, and you may be put in touch with local help. Please don’t wait to reach out. Everything is confidential.
Dear Abby: My friend, “Lizzy,” broke up with her boyfriend six weeks ago. At first, she was very depressed about it, but she has gradually gotten over him. A few days ago, Lizzy’s ex asked me out. I really wanted to say yes, but I decided to ask her first if it was OK. When I did, she flipped out and told me she wouldn’t be my friend anymore if I did. I’ve known Lizzy for four years, and I don’t want to lose her friendship.
A day later, I heard from another friend that Lizzy was dating my twin brother. She never asked me if I was OK with that, let alone informed me that they liked each other. Does this give me the right to date Lizzy’s ex? — Breaking Girl Code In Alabama Dear Breaking: I think so. But don’t do it without first clearing the air with her, because if things work out with your twin brother, you are likely to be seeing a lot of Lizzy in the future.