LATE LAUGHS

The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

Dr. Oz has had his problems running for Senate in Pennsylvania. For one thing, he lives in New Jersey.

The U.K.’s next prime minister will be Rishi Sunak, who will be Britain’s first leader of South Asian descent, it’s first Hindu prime minister and the nation’s first leader of color, which means Britons will be able to run their entire power grid off the turbines to Queen Victoria spinning in her grave.

[New] poll results have raised concerns that democratic erosion may have sent many citizens on a downward spiral of feeling powerless, apathetic and disconnected. Yeah, but what can you do? It doesn’t matter. I don’t want to think about it.

[Herschel] Walker has grabbed that crazy [police impersonation] ball and is running with it. His campaign ordered 1,000 imitation plastic law enforcement badges that say “I’m with Herschel” as a fundraising tool. A thousand toy badges? That’s perfect. It’s one for each of his secret children.

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Russia just notified the U.S. that they would be launching nuclear-capable missiles as part of their annual nuclear exercise. Russia’s just like us: they also exercise only once a year.

Costco is selling the world’s largest jigsaw puzzle. It’s 29 feet long, eight feet tall and 60,000 pieces. Yup, the bottom left corner goes on your coffee table, the bottom right goes in Zimbabwe.

Essentia water has teamed up with a boxed wine company to sell water and wine in one box. ... In a related story, they’re currently being sued by Jesus.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Kanye [West] is back on Instagram after his account was restricted because of the anti-Semitic posts. ... Today he posted ... “I lost 2 billion dollars in one day and I’m still alive. This is love speech. I still love you. God still loves you. The money is not who I am. The people is who I am.” ... Does anyone else feel like we’re about to find out that, for the past 20 years, Kanye has been a Sacha Baron Cohen character?

Here in Los Angeles, the most popular [Halloween] costume is Spider-Man, which makes sense, because if you’ve ever been to Hollywood Boulevard ... a Spidey suit isn’t just a Halloween costume; it’s a lifestyle.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

Producers of the Netflix series “The Crown” has announced a casting call for an actor between the ages of 16 and 20 to play young Prince Harry, and an actor between the ages of 55 and 60 to play young William.

Peloton announced a new partnership with Hilton yesterday [Oct. 4] to put exercise bikes in more than 5,400 hotels across the country. Not to be outdone, Days Inn announced towels!

A Little League baseball card of Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg sold at auction [late September], and even then they knew he wasn’t going to be an athlete.

The Late Late Show with James Cordon

U.S. Secretary of State Anthony Blinken arrived in Ottawa today, his first official visit to Canada since taking office. ... Makes sense that this trip hadn’t happened before; it’s not like Canada is really a diplomatic priority. Canada’s like a good weed dealer: they’re around, they’re safe — call ‘em when you need ‘em.

A British man recently found a ring with a metal detector and, hoping that he could find the owner, he shared the photo online. The original owner ... told him to put the jewelry back where he found it, saying that she had thrown it away “on purpose” after a bad divorce. Her ex-husband thought this was all very unnecessary and dramatic and that’s EXACTLY THE PROBLEM, DAVID!