LATE LAUGHS

The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

With all of the problems in the world, Fox News remains laser focused on the big issue: M&M’s have gone woke. First of all, no they haven’t. Second, if any candy is woke, isn’t it the one that tells you to “Taste the rainbow?”

Back in November, Biden’s lawyers found the government material while closing out an office at a think tank called the “Penn Biden Center,” named no doubt after the close relationship between Biden and “Gossip Girl” heartthrob Penn Badgley. Details are still coming out, we don’t know how the documents ended up there, and it’s unclear what they pertain to, but given Biden’s age, I assume it’s the Spanish-American War and the digging of the Panama Canal.

The Republican House majority is up and running and they’re ready to achieve their wildest dreams which, apparently, is hanging out with Fox News anchor and last ham cube left of the salad bar: Sean Hannity.

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

Today [Jan. 11], New York Republicans called on Congressman George Santos to resign, and Santos responded, saying he won’t. But since it’s Santos, that means he will, maybe. Santos said he’s not a quitter, and he proved it at the ‘92 Olympics, where he won five gold medals.

A second batch of classified documents were found at President Biden’s home in Delaware. Good Lord. Apparently, presidents lose classified documents the way we lose AirPods. It’s getting crazy. Now instead of quarters, Biden’s finding classified documents behind kids’ ears.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

I’m exhausted by all these investigations. If I was watching this on Netflix, this would be the part where I skipped to the end credits to the part where they explain that the bad guy is nine years into a 30-year prison sentence now.

According to some new research from health-care agencies here in California, cannabis-related emergency room visits have skyrocketed, especially among senior citizens, since it became legal for recreational use. One of the reasons that they cite is older people are used to pot from when they were young, and when they try the weed that they grow today it hits hard. It’s like if the last movie you saw was starring Humphrey Bogart and then you walked into “Avatar 2.” May also have something to do with the fact that weed gummies look a lot like fiber gummies now. Anyway, if you see Meemaw driving a rascal in circles call 911.

Late Night with Seth Meyers

The House yesterday [Jan. 9] approved a set of rules that will weaken Speaker Kevin McCarthy’s powers. Really? How could they possibly make him any weaker? They’re already treating him like a substitute teacher on the last day of school. Are they going to make him wear the “Kick me” sign on the front?

President Biden said yesterday [Jan. 10] that he was surprised by the news that classified documents were found in his old think tank office, and added he wasn’t sure what was in the files. Ah, yes, the ol’ “grandpa caught shoplifting” maneuver.

Russian President Vladimir Putin announced yesterday [Jan. 11] that he has demoted the top military commander in Ukraine and brought in a replacement. But you know what they say: every time God closes a door, Putin opens a fourthstorey window.

The Late Late Show With James Corden

M&Ms has released a limitededition candy bag which features an all-female set of characters. The characters are upside down to “celebrate women everywhere who are flipping the status quo.” ... I gotta say, Ruth Bader Ginsberg would be proud, wouldn’t she?