LATE LAUGHS

The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

The Taliban — they’ve been making headlines this week after they started buying blue check marks on Twitter. That is not good. I don’t want that. Now Twitter might be full of awful men saying terrible things about women.

The U.S. has reached its $31.4 trillion debt ceiling. Now, normally Congress automatically raises the debt limit as needed, but House Republicans are refusing in order to “leverage the standoff to extract major spending cuts ... on social programs ... including Social Security and Medicare.” That is an insane negotiating tactic. That’s pretty drastic. That’s like a husband saying, “Honey, we’re spending too much on entertainment so either we cancel one of our streaming services or I shove your grandpa into the river. Which is it: Netflix or P-Pop?”

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

A new poll found that President Biden’s approval rating has not been affected by the classified documents scandal. Today, Biden said, “In that case, there’s another 100 documents stashed in the pool house. Let’s just get that out.”

The State Department is changing their official font from Times New Roman to Calibri. It feels like this is the government’s attempt to be like, “We’re fun. We’re naughty.” Yep, our government is changing fonts. Yep. When you heard that, President Zelenskyy was like, “Still here. This is still happening. We’ll take anything. We’ll take tanks, missiles, slingshots, boomerangs.”

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

Fortunately for Brett Maher, the Cowboys won [on Jan. 16]; it’s the first time they ever beat Tom Brady. He was 7-0 against Dallas, lifetime. Now he’s 7-1. Brady was reportedly so upset after the game he ate a carb. Just one, but, you know, those things will kill you. This could turn out to be Tom Brady’s last game for Tampa Bay.

George Santos, despite being exposed as a fraud — this guy has an almost comical list of lies to his name now — was assigned to not one but two committees. New speaker Kevin McCarthy put him on the Science Committee and the Space and Technology Committee, which makes sense because he’s the only congressman who found a cure for cancer and successfully manned a mission to Mars, all this year alone.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

In a new episode of a podcast, former president Trump said that he heard Florida governor Ron DeSantis may challenge him for the Republican presidential nomination, and added, “We’ll handle that the way I handle things.” So get ready, Ron: he’s gonna cheat on you.

According to a new poll, President Biden would defeat former president Trump in a hypothetical 2024 election rematch by eight points. Pretty bad, but not as defeated as I feel hearing about that poll. Can we not do this yet? It’s January. The only thing I want to hear less than a presidential poll is a Christmas carol.

In a series of posts yesterday on Truth Social, former president Trump pushed back against claims that he illegally stored classified files at Mar-a-Lago and accused federal agents of planting documents inside of empty folders he had taken. Oh, you are trying anything. That’s like telling the police, “Someone else put the cocaine there. I just collect tiny plastic baggies.”

The Late Late Show With James Corden

There were massive strikes and protests across France today [Jan. 19] as workers pushed back on the government’s decision to raise the legal retirement age from 62 to 64. People in France haven’t protested like this since they raised the legal smoking age to seven. The current retirement age is 62, that’s amazing. When you’re 62 years old in America, you’ve still got another 18 years until you can become the president of the United States.