Scammers hope you’ll play along

Trust your gut or your paranoia

This is Lt. Kevin North with the Benton County Sheriff’s Office regarding a matter than needs your urgent attention,” the voicemail played. “Please call me back as soon as you can.”

My heart leapt — the cops are looking for me! The theme song to the TV show “Cops” began to play in my head: “Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do? Whatcha gonna do when they come for you?” I KNEW this day would come, and it’s kind of a relief to no longer be looking over my shoulder all the time wondering if …

Wait, I’m not on the lam. OK, so … it’s probably a corporate client of mine getting sued, and I’m the registered agent for service. Yes, that’s it. He just wants to serve me papers, and not even for anything I did wrong.

But what if it’s for something I did do wrong? Maybe it’s for something really bad, and then I couldn’t work — maybe they wouldn’t even hire me to water plants at Lowe’s, though that IS my dream job. That, and mowing the football field like Forrest Gump.

I dialed the number. “This is Lt. North with the Benton County Sheriff’s Office. Leave your name and number, and I will return your call.”

I left my name and number, because that’s what a bad girl on the lam would do. Then I ate my lunch and worried. I called the number again. Same message. A few more bites of sandwich and then … my pink-necked country girl brain came to life.

Something doesn’t feel right.

I called the main number to the Sheriff’s Office, and dispatch found no officer by that name. I phoned the civil process division and spoke to a gentleman who said he has four deputies and not a one by anything similar to that name, and plus, no lieutenant would be serving papers.

Now, bad boy, whatcha tryin’ to do? And what will I do to catch you?

My cellphone rang. What will I say?

“Lisa Kelley?” the authoritative voice said. “Are you aware you missed a court date in August?”

“Did I?” I said. “I didn’t realize that. May I have your badge number?”

“Sure. 7432UL.”

“Are you aware I called Benton County, and they have no record of you? Why don’t we meet down at the courthouse at 1 p.m. with the deputies at the front door and visit about it.”

He stayed on the phone several seconds, then hung up.

Scammers. The lengths con artists will go to cheat others is astounding. From emails asking for information; phone calls wanting money to be wired to help your kin; fraudulent deeds being filed that look like you sold your land, then immediately being deeded again to an unsuspecting third party — crooks aren’t often disguised in bandit masks these days. Rather, they lurk in broad daylight, and anyone can fall for it. Trust your gut. Unless your gut is gullible. Then trust paranoia. That way, your future to water plants at Lowe’s is safe.