LATE LAUGHS

The Late Show With Stephen Colbert

[Ron] DeSantis is almost certainly going to run for president in 2024, so to pump up the Roncitement, today [Feb. 28] he released a memoir, “The Courage to Be Free.” A title so politically generic that I have already forgotten it. ... Ron DeSantis’s main goal: Make America Florida. No. We already have one. OK, actually, two if you count Arizona and parts of Long Island.

On Sunday [Feb. 26], we learned that the Department of Energy believes that the COVID pandemic was the result of a lab leak, a belief they hold with “low confidence.” That’s not reassuring. It’s like if Arby’s changed their slogan to, “We’re pretty sure what we have is meats.”

According to insiders, the former president [Trump] is facing a “soft ban” at Fox. What? What? They’re banning the expresident? That’s like the Discovery Channel banning sharks. No one wants to watch “Salty Water” week.

The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon

The U.S. Energy Department just released a new report that said the COVID pandemic might have been started by a Chinese lab leak. Hmm. Americans heard and were like, “Hey, thanks for that three-years-too-late information. Any ‘Game of Thrones’ spoilers?”

Former president Trump criticized Fox News [Feb. 27] for promoting Ron DeSantis, “so hard and so much.” At this point, Trump watching Fox feels like your friend who can’t stop looking at their ex’s Instagram.

Today is March 1, which means it is the start of Women’s History Month. Yeah, just remember: behind every great woman is a man loudly repeating her ideas.

Jimmy Kimmel Live!

When you think of all the people I regularly make fun of, it’s a lot of people. The only two who have tried to stop me are Donald Trump and Marjorie Taylor Greene, who actually called the cops on me. ... I made fun of O.J. a thousand times; he hasn’t tried to kill me once.

Democrats, Republicans and Independents all agree that [George] Santos should not be a congressman anymore. There’s a new survey. It says 66% of New York voters want him to resign. The other 34 are him in a variety of wigs and moustaches.

The White House today [March 2] unveiled President Biden’s new cybersecurity plan. And while you might think letting Joe Biden spearhead cybersecurity makes about as much sense as asking Grandpa to set up your Xbox, he’s not kidding around — he’s going all in.

Late Night With Seth Meyers

President Biden made a surprise trip last week [Feb. 20] to Ukraine by taking a 10-hour train ride or, as the guy next to him thought, an 80-hour train ride.

President Biden reportedly had a difficult time sleeping last week on the overnight train ride ... and read a briefing memo on the history of Kyiv. And that didn’t put him to sleep? That would have put the last president into a multi-year coma.

Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis signed a bill into law yesterday that takes away Disney World’s self-governing status. So, if you’re at Disney ... I have even more bad news: now you’re also in Florida.

Dictionary.com yesterday [Feb. 28] unveiled new entries, including the word “woke.” “Still not gonna look it up,” said Republicans.

The Late Late Show With James Corden

New intelligence has prompted the Energy Department to conclude that the coronavirus pandemic was most likely caused by an accidental lab leak in China. When reached for comment, China was like, “Do you remember that silly balloon? What even was that?”